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Thread ID: 129753	2013-03-10 21:28:00	Monday Laughs......Bytes 'n bits, dilemmas etc ..................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1332119	2013-03-10 21:28:00	. . Bytes: Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screws involved, it's all tongue and groove... A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; Police suspect it's race related... I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency... SB R2x1 ********************************* A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you first have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model! The women won. ********************************* Dietary Dilemma... Can't eat pork - Swine flu... Can't eat chicken - Bird flu. Can't eat beef - Mad cow Can't eat eggs - Salmonella. Can't eat fish - Heavy metal poisons in their waters. Can't eat fruits and veggies– E-Coli, insecticides and herbicides. I believe that just leaves chocolate and ice cream!!!!!!!! Remember - - -'STRESSED' spelled backwards is 'DESSERTS' ********************************* Definition of 'Dilemma' A man asked of a friend, “What is a dilemma, actually?” The frend replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that: Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other. Who are you going to turn your back on? SB KenESmith ********************************* A Jew's wish....... A Jew having no wife, no children, no money, no home and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God for an improvment in his life circumstances. God is very pleased with his prayer, and grants him one wish, just one !!!!!!!!!!!! The Jew says: 'OK God, thanks!' My one and only wish is this:- 'I want my Mother to see my beautiful and eternally faithful young wife putting a twenty million dollar diamond necklace around my child's neck, in my Mercedes Benz 600, while parked near the swimming pool of our new five acre estate in Beverly Hills.' GOD: Damn it! I still have a lot to learn from these Jews. ********************************* THE WIMPIEST DAD Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest. The first one says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he slides underneath our bed." The second kid says, "That's nothing! My dad is so scared of the dark that when my mother works night shift, he goes and sleeps with the lady next door." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1332120	2013-03-10 22:28:00	Awesome - Cheers Billy! *** A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." *** A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation." *** I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No bet, the steaks are too high." *** Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay. Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue." Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe "How did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."	lordnoddy (3645)
1332121	2013-03-10 22:29:00	Ha ha, I like the Spanish lesson the best	gary67 (56)
1332122	2013-03-10 22:39:00	Once upon a time a man was driving down a country lane when suddenly a rabbit darted out into the road. The man couldn't stop and hit the rabbit head on Soon a woman drove up and asked why the man was crying in the road---He said-"I've done something terrible.I've just run over the Easter Bunny.and now there'll be no one to deliver the eggs at Easter." The woman told him not to worry and reached into her bag for something, walked over to the lifeless Bunny,sprayed something on it, and stood back. The Bunny began to move,sat up,shook itself and hopped slowly down the street towards the woods. Then it stopped,turned and waved to the man and woman. Then it hopped another 10 feet,stopped and waved,then another 10 feet and another wave which it repeated until it was out of sight. "Whatever have you done to that rabbit" asked the man....The woman replied:: "Used my hairspray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave". ------------------------------------ Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You flippin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"	tutaenui (1724)
1332123	2013-03-11 08:41:00	KenESmith's dilemma is magnificent. What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. Now you know why some people are where they are! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*^*~*^*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife... who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "Sure and I'll do that roight away," says Gallagher. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*^*~*^*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub. Each ordered a pint of beer. Then a fly landed in each one's beer. The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one. The Scott took the fly out, shrugged, and drank his beer. The Irisman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled "SPIT IT OUT, YER LITTLE B#@!^#D!" - "SPIT IT OUT!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-*^*~*^*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Three expatriates are drinking in a Westport bar. "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth. "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. Seamus swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" they asked. "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman "but it has happened many times to me sister, Bridget."	R2x1 (4628)
1332124	2013-03-11 11:44:00	Here's a group I haven't insulted for - - err - - days. Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But actually, this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"	R2x1 (4628)
1332125	2013-03-11 19:34:00	haha good stuff fellas Bytes: Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screws involved, it's all tongue and groove...what? no slats!! Also blowjobs, did you know.............that you dont actually blow??	Gobe1 (6290)
1332126	2013-03-11 21:56:00	:rolleyes: Yeh....blowjobs suck!!! Ken	kenj (9738)
1332127	2013-03-11 22:04:00	I liked the one about the bar and his sister upstairs.	Digby (677)
1332128	2013-03-13 07:37:00	Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell over when he saw him. Murphy'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn 's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I wouldn't steal McGlynn 's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Covet thy neighbour’s wife ' I remembered where I left me hat."	R2x1 (4628)
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