Forum Home
PC World Chat
 
Thread ID: 129870 2013-03-17 23:06:00 Monday Laughs.....Childbirth, Bush, Cleese, Burns et al.................. Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
1333160 2013-03-17 23:06:00 .
.

A Proclamation at the time of Election of Bush the Younger

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Arizona, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as " US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all varieties can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Oh yes, and you will also learn the meaning of 'touch down' which does not include leaping in the air while waving the ball above your head

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America .. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

20. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

*********************************


Sex With An Older Man............

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

George Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time.'

Oprah asked, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!'

George told her that the third time would be even better.

'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah asked, 'Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?

George replied, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.

*********************************


I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case....time for another beer!

**********************************


An Aussie Joke:

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?

.............Ahmir

What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?

.............Ahmir Azwel

What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?

.............Ahmir Azwel Azhim

*********************************


And while we are at it.....A European Joke (but not Italy or Greece)


The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "u" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place....


SB R2x1.

*********************************


Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to the Instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,

'Edmonds, 'Sure to Rise'.....isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy.........


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
1333161 2013-03-17 23:58:00 Hahahaha Awesome Billy! Cheers.

And here's one from me.
***
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had
been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long,
long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and
there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he
turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f**king wall." 		lordnoddy (3645)
1333162 2013-03-18 01:02:00 Call the “Sanitation Monitors”, there’s something here to offend everyone! :lol: :lol: B.M. (505)
1333163 2013-03-18 01:06:00 I liked the Oprah one!

And the Jewish wall 		Digby (677)
1333164 2013-03-18 01:16:00 Thanks Billy!

Now here's one from me:



CHEWING GUM!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?' 		WalOne (4202)
1333165 2013-03-18 01:29:00 Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris Asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so They make love.

About 6 hours later, the Husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have Only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one More time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, And they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into Bed, he looks at his watch And realizes that he now has
Only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's Shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... Just one More time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife Rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his Impending death, tosses and turns, Until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says,

'Listen Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning... You don't.' 		tutaenui (1724)
1333166 2013-03-18 01:32:00 WRIGLEYS! - oh gawd - my sides. :lol: lordnoddy (3645)
1333167 2013-03-18 20:38:00 The Law, The Law, the Sanitary Monitors are missing in action and the imaginary law hasn’t kicked in. Check HERE (pressf1.pcworld.co.nz).

We’ve had Americans offended, Jews offended, Australians Offended, Coloured People offended, Afghans offended, Germans offended, Motherhood ridiculed along with the Terminally Ill and no action what-so-ever.

The Site is becoming tainted. :p 		B.M. (505)
1333168 2013-03-18 20:44:00 All good stuff fellas

thanks 		Gobe1 (6290)
1333169 2013-03-18 22:01:00 Great laughs. Bobh (5192)
1 2