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Thread ID: 130049	2013-03-24 21:32:00	Monday Laughs.........Life's rich tapestry...........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1333945	2013-03-24 21:32:00	. . LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up there to dry. How soon can I go home?" ********************************* WOMEN DRIVERS Driving on the motorway this morning to my job in Wellington Central, I chanced to looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 120km/hr with her face right up close to her rear view mirror while she was putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, and still working on that damned makeup! It scared me (and this coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. Then in all the confusion of using my knees against the steering wheel trying to straighten up the car, my iPhone fell out from between my ear and my shoulder and bounced straight into the coffee between my legs, which caused it to splash everywhere, burning Big Jim And The Twins, and disconnecting a very important phone call . All this caused me to scream, letting my cigarette drop out of my mouth, and that then fell into my shirt pocket, blistering my left fun-button and burning a hole right through my shirt! Honestly! Some people just shouldn't be allowed behind the wheel of a car! ********************************* The following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term: Political Correctness. "Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." ********************************* This one is very timely........... This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable. A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental!" was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they are overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" "Well, we're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich" laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours, you're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for another hairdo and the hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman,"Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was over-booked so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great too! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were over-booked, so they apologised and gave us the owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I'll bet you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky there as well" explained the woman, "because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" "He said: "Where'd you get that god-awful hairdo?" ********************************* An Irish woman of advancing age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the Doctor? 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the Doctor.'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. ‘That's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it’. ‘Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.' A week later when she called the Doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!’ ‘T'was horrid!... Just terrible, Doctor!' 'Really? .......What happened?' asked the Doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in himself's coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me passionately, then and there on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the Doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?' 'Bejaysus yes, 'twas the best sex I've had in twentyfive years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face at me Church's coffee evenin's again!’ ********************************* Finally..................... TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 17.. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!!!! 18.. Procrastinate Now! 19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want Fries with that? 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1333946	2013-03-24 21:52:00	Awesome stuff Billy Thanks	Gobe1 (6290)
1333947	2013-03-24 22:50:00	Great thanks Billy	gary67 (56)
1333948	2013-03-24 23:04:00	:thanks Billy	WalOne (4202)
1333949	2013-03-24 23:34:00	The trip to Rome was good!	Digby (677)
1333950	2013-03-25 03:18:00	Loved all of it Billy:D. Thanks a lot. :)	ChazTheGeek (16619)
1333951	2013-03-25 04:02:00	Cheers Billy - YAHOO! 5pm on a Monday for a short week! 1 down and 3 to go! Sorry I've had nothing worth posting on here in the last week. Hope to get something up before Thursday though!	lordnoddy (3645)
1333952	2013-03-25 05:31:00	Cheers Billy - YAHOO! 5pm on a Monday for a short week! 1 down and 3 to go! Sorry I've had nothing worth posting on here in the last week. Hope to get something up before Thursday though! Try Viagra I hear it works well for getting it up	gary67 (56)
1333953	2013-03-25 05:47:00	A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency Room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the Trigger.	tutaenui (1724)
1333954	2013-03-25 19:45:00	Try Viagra I hear it works well for getting it up I did, but it got caught in my throat, I've had a stiff neck for hours!	lordnoddy (3645)
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