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Thread ID: 130206	2013-04-01 02:27:00	Monday Laughs.....Easter: Holiday humour or Religious? Ah..What the heck, both.....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1334815	2013-04-01 02:27:00	. . HOLY HUMOR During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths: 1. Muslims do not recognise Jews as God's Chosen People. 2. Jews do not recognise Jesus as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognise the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4. Baptists do not recognise each other at the liquor store. ********************************* After Jesus dies he goes up to Heaven, the first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like. Naturally, he wants to know whether he looks like his mother or father, etc. so he searches high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the Archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus calls. "Who are you?" " Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." come the reply! Jesus is very excited. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man," he asks. "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hands where the nails used to be, he was hung from a cross, you know..." "Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus. "Pinocchio!!!!!!!" cries the old man. ********************************* Jesus and Moses are sitting in heaven one day, bored out of their skulls. Moses pipes up, "Hey Jesus, how about we go down and do some fishing?" Jesus replies, "sure!" and they head down to a beautiful mountain lake. After casting lines for a while with no bites, Moses says, "Hey Jesus, why don't you walk out on the water to where the big ones are." Jesus says "Sounds like a good idea," and proceeds to head out past the shore. He gets a few feet out and is knee deep. Moses says "Why don't you try from the dock, at least there you've kind of got a start." Jesus heads out from the dock, takes his first step and SPLASH! He's up to his neck in the water. He clambers back to shore very disgruntled, and Moses says, "Why don't we take the boat out, and you can go from there?" So they row out to the center of the lake where all the big fish are and Jesus takes a step out and falls to the bottom of the lake. Moses parts the water and hauls Jesus back into the boat and says, "I know what the problem is! You didn't have those damned holes in your feet the last time we went fishing!" ********************************* Little Zachary was doing very badly in mathematics. His parents had tried everything......tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his maths, the finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his Report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.. With much trepidation, his Mother looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the Nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied. 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?' Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.' ********************************* Jesus is on the cross with his head hanging down. Suddenly he liftes his head and stares into the distance. "Peter, come here" he cries softly "Come here at once." So Peter climbs up the cross and leans in close so he can hear Jesus speak saying "Yes, My Lord? What is it?" And Jesus says, "I can see your house from here." ********************************* Jesus is walking around with Moses playing a round of golf and they come upon a water trap. Jesus turns to Moses and says, "Didn't you do something with water?" and Moses says yeah, and proceeds to do the trick where he parts the waters. Jesus is impressed, and Moses in turn asks, "Didn't you also do something with water?" Jesus proceeds to step out onto the water, but he sinks almost immediately to his knees. He gets out, gets a running start, and tries again, this time sinking to his waist. He comes out confused and embarrassed and Moses asks, "What was it you were trying to do?" "I used to be able to walk on water," Jesus replies. "The last time you tried it," Moses asks, looking him over, "Did you have those holes in your feet?" ********************************* Jesus, Moses and God were playing golf. Both Moses and JC hit nice drives and are on the green in one. God swings and wiffs the ball - a chipmunk runs out and grabs the ball and and eagle swoops down and snags the chipmunk. When the eagle flies over the green a bolt of lighting hits it - he drops the chipmunk who in turn drops the ball and it falls in the hole. Jesus turns to God and says, "will you quit messing around Father, we're playing for money here" ********************************* Jesus walks up to a crowd of people getting ready to stone a lady to death for committing adultry. Jesus says, " Whoever is without sin may cast the first stone." So this lady walks up with a big ol' rock and smashes it down on the poor lady and cracks her head wide open. The lady dusts off her hands and starts walking away, and Jesus shakes his head and says, "Mum, sometimes you really piss me off." ********************************* That's all I got for now except for the old standby popularised by the movie "The Crow." Christ walks into a hotel, hands the Inkeeper three nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night?" Cheers Billy 8-{) :devil	Billy T (70)
1334816	2013-04-01 06:17:00	I am deeply offended Billy ... no bloody Easter eggs for you this year !!!	SP8's (9836)
1334817	2013-04-01 07:02:00	I'm not offended more chocolate for Billy, up to your usual standard thanks	gary67 (56)
1334818	2013-04-01 09:27:00	Poor Little Zachary.	Bobh (5192)
1334819	2013-04-01 09:35:00	An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him... At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer? The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'? 'Very well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: 'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'	tutaenui (1724)
1334820	2013-04-01 20:30:00	haha good stuff, but there was a repeat in there??? about the holy feet..	Gobe1 (6290)
1334821	2013-04-01 21:02:00	Haha Awesome stuff Billy! Cheers. ***Not Easter jokes but I still had a good laugh. There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget." The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?" The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker." *** US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After fifteen minutes speaking he says: 'I will now answer any questions you have.' Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions': 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning, Mr Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.' A little girl called Julie stands up and says: 'I have six questions': 1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? 5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early? 6. Where is Bobby? *** Now put your arms out as far as you can to each side of you like this; _0_ | / \ Q - What's this? A - A crap way to spend Easter!	lordnoddy (3645)
1334822	2013-04-01 22:21:00	Thanks guys, what a way to start the week :lol: Ever wanted to know how to analyse a bad joke to death? Whale oil posted this one: HERE (www.youtube.com) Video, 2:00 :lol:	WalOne (4202)
1334823	2013-04-01 22:33:00	haha good stuff, but there was a repeat in there??? about the holy feet.. No, that wasn't a repeat, it was an earnest and sincere attempt on my part to maintain the spirit of Easter by making my post holier. :rolleyes: Cheers Billy 8-{) :devil	Billy T (70)
1334824	2013-04-01 22:54:00	4. Baptists do not recognise each other at the liquor store. Hey, yes we do, though usually it's coz we've just seen everybody only half an hour beforehand at the Sunday morning service ;)	Chilling_Silence (9)
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