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Thread ID: 130382 2013-04-08 00:50:00 Monday Laughs.....Life Sentence, The Irish, Kids, Blondes and a Visual Joke....... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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1335868 2013-04-08 00:50:00 .
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20 Years Ago:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee: 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16 . Do you remember back then?' ... he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. ' Yes , I do honey '... she replies.

The husband pauses, the words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years? '

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says:

'I would have been released today.'

*********************************


The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Ok" says Chris "Here we go: which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"


"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then Chris screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Bejasus Mick" cied Paddy, "Are you daft? It's because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

*********************************


Shirley & Marcy

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. And she wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying a distance so he probably wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest, 'Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

May 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always'

I know you smiled!

I sure did.

*********************************


A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

'You'll be fine,' he said.

She asked, 'How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?'

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

'What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?'

He replied, 'Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

*********************************


Another Audio-Visual Gag:

The best way to motivate people to do something is to put up a sign saying "Don't........!"


Turn up your sound and watch for the last two ladies!

HERE (www.youtube.com)

Enjoy! :devil


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
1335869 2013-04-08 00:52:00 Lovin' it :) Thanks for the laughs. I'm in China at the moment and just thought I'd pop on to see how it's going. Unfortunately, you don't get that type of humor here ;) baabits (15242)
1335870 2013-04-08 00:58:00 Haha brilliant Thanks Billy Gobe1 (6290)
1335871 2013-04-08 01:17:00 :clap :lol: WalOne (4202)
1335872 2013-04-08 01:27:00 What part of china are you in at the moment?

Not John Key in disguise are we ;) 		The Error Guy (14052)
1335873 2013-04-08 01:52:00 LOL, In Zhengzhou.

I can't stand Beijing- The air is smog, there's no culture compared to the second-tier cities (everything around is really just for show, nothing like the more rural parts) and there are too many shifty foreigners. A British friend of mine walked into a cafe to have a Nigerian man come out with bags of drugs asking him what he 'needs'.... >_< 		baabits (15242)
1335874 2013-04-08 02:23:00 Hahaha that's funny, both Billy and baabits :D Chilling_Silence (9)
1335875 2013-04-08 02:42:00 Did you hear what was said when a German was seen steering a boat...

My word, there is a Hun at the tiller

Ken :p

(Thanks to Qi) 		kenj (9738)
1335876 2013-04-08 02:43:00 some new words and definitions submitted by readers of the Washington Post.

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it'sl like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
18. Coffee, n.: The person upon whom one coughs.
19. Flabbergasted, adj.: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
20. Abdicate, v.: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
21. Esplanade, v.: To attempt an explanation while drunk.
22. Willy-nilly, adj.: Impotent.
23. Negligent, adj.: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
24. Lymph, v.: To walk with a lisp.
25. Gargoyle, n.: Olive-flavored mouthwash.
26. Flatulence, n.: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
27. Balderdash, n.: A rapidly receding hairline.
28. Testicle, n.: A humorous question on an exam.
29. Rectitude, n.: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
30. Pokemon, n.: A Rastafarian proctologist.
31. Oyster, n.: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
32. Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
33. Circumvent, n.: An opening in the front of jockey shorts worn by Jewish men. 		tutaenui (1724)
1335877 2013-04-08 03:20:00 Fair enough, Beijing is a great city, but I know what you mean about the culture block. I do enjoy the places like Xian and Harbin (blooody cold in the winder though!), Harbin and Chungdu were ok but there's not a lot going for them. They are just "population areas" - although I didn't see a lot of them. The Error Guy (14052)
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