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Thread ID: 130708	2013-04-15 01:32:00	Monday Laughs....Start with Religion & finish on Blondes - that should ht the spot...	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1337001	2013-04-15 01:32:00	. . GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorise one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite the 23rd Psalm in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ UNANSWERED PRAYER The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEING THANKFUL A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook. ********************************* 10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can rack off down to Hell.” Nine of them start to walk away, then St Peter calls out: “And take this deaf bastard with you.” ********************************* In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing. We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.” I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?” “No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.” ********************************* My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison. ********************************* The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?” I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.” ********************************* Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. He even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “Oi Oi! wait a bleedin' minute…” ********************************* A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things: 1 - The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1337002	2013-04-15 01:42:00	Thanks Billy. Needed that today. :thumbs:	pcuser42 (130)
1337003	2013-04-15 02:06:00	Haha brilliant Thanks Billy loved the Ladyboy one	Gobe1 (6290)
1337004	2013-04-15 03:37:00	I usually limh (laugh in my head) at Monday laughs, but I had to tell my Manager sitting behind me what was so funny reading this one line... *** “No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”	lordnoddy (3645)
1337005	2013-04-15 04:07:00	I usually limh (laugh in my head) at Monday laughs, but I had to tell my Manager sitting behind me what was so funny reading this one line... *** “No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.” Glad there's other people besides me with a warped sense of humour ... :lol:	WalOne (4202)
1337006	2013-04-15 05:07:00	Glad there's other people besides me with a warped sense of humour ... :lol: Anti-jokes are the best. *** Q - What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christams? A - Cancer Q - Why did the little girl fall off the swing? A - She had no arms Q - Why did little bobby drop his ice-cream? A - He got hit by a bus Q - What's worse than a worm in your apple? A - The Holocaust *** Just to name a few :)	lordnoddy (3645)
1337007	2013-04-15 05:54:00	Billy Connelly, Short stuff Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?" Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "Probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else" A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?" My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!! They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shite and can't drive! Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled ?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard" A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "Her brother's got a moustache!" A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me". "Yes........Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!" My black-eye & fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'....was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for my birthday?' And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?" I asked, and he said "ten past twelve".	R2x1 (4628)
1337008	2013-04-15 09:01:00	A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.' Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.' Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for :-Wisdom - to understand a man, to love and to forgive him. Patience - for his moods--because Lord, if I pray for strength then I'll just beat the living daylights out of him."	tutaenui (1724)
1337009	2013-04-15 09:35:00	Good laughs as usual Billy.	Bobh (5192)
1337010	2013-04-15 10:04:00	A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.' Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.' Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for :-Wisdom - to understand a man, to love and to forgive him. Patience - for his moods--because Lord, if I pray for strength then I'll just beat the living daylights out of him." Hahaha that's fantastic! :D	Chilling_Silence (9)
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