Forum Home
PC World Chat

Thread ID: 130964	2013-04-22 04:20:00	Monday Laughs: ................Pretty much a male - female thing today.....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1338007	2013-04-22 04:20:00	. . Did you hear the midday news? Beautiful lust-crazed female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping men with big cough appendages .... . You're not in any danger, I just posted this to say goodbye. ******************************* I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely... ***************************** The urologist Man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there , he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'." The guy obeys and says, '99'! The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep breath and say, ’99’." Again, the guy says, '99' The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis and your testicles, to keep them out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." The guy begins, 'One ... Two .... Three. ***************************** A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?". "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mum and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now really angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mum was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?" A pause, and a smile, then says Kristen, "Nope! That'd mean I'm an American!" ***************************** A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too, but he leaned over too far, fell into the well and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled and said: "It really works!" ***************************** Another Marriage Story: The Woman, the Frog, and the Three Wishes A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.' The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!' The woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman of all and he will have eyes only for me.' So, KAZAM- .... ..she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM- .... ..she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.' Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers : Please scroll down. .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story (1): Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen .... Now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love. ******************************* Molly The Camel A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent and as ladder lying on the ground beside it, so he asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly the Camel.' The Captain said, 'I can't say that I agree with this, but I do understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.' About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with lust and pent-up urges, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?' Sergeant replied, 'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.' Moral of the story (2) :- If you are not sure of how things are done in your new job, don't be ashamed to ask for clarification before 'dicking the camel'. Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
1338008	2013-04-22 04:32:00	Cheers Billy - I've been saving for a decent amount of time to post some good ones and here they are... *** A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!” XXX On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred ... One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun. XXX An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." XXX At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever." XXX An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted her daughter, "but three girls helped me catch him.	lordnoddy (3645)
1338009	2013-04-22 06:58:00	Read a survey earlier on why men liked blowjobs... 5% liked the look, 15% liked the feel and the other 80% liked the silence! I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!! I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. Man calls 111 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!" A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby. The wife was counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change." Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."	tutaenui (1724)
1338010	2013-04-22 21:52:00	Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. Oh... gawd... my... sides...	lordnoddy (3645)
1338011	2013-04-22 22:03:00	+Great stuff guys "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." Haw haw	Gobe1 (6290)
1338012	2013-04-23 00:04:00	I liked the roll on deodorant one And most of the one liners.	Digby (677)
1338013	2013-04-23 08:47:00	That one about the camel has been around for a while. Typical of an Army Officer to fall for that.	Bobh (5192)
1338014	2013-04-23 11:50:00	Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I have one you tried, and he needs a lot of improvement!? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-^~^-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?" The doctor replies: "Try giving him a chance to speak when he's awake." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-^~^-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, strangely enough, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs Daniel. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "That I did, to be sure," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a few minutes there, I thought I'd gone deaf."	R2x1 (4628)
1338015	2013-04-25 20:56:00	It's a guy thing ... The human body has 7 trillion nerves ... my wife manages to get on every **ing one of them. ———————————————————————— I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant ... It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex. ———————————————————————— My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my ck. ———————————————————————— I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out. I said, “My wife thinks that my dk tastes funny” ———————————————————————— I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic *, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend…… ———————————————————————— A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!” His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” Husband replies, “Our wedding video ..." ———————————————————————— Life is like a penis ... Soft and hanging freely ... It’s women that make it hard. ———————————————————————— I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper” “Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad” That spider never knew what **ing hit it. ———————————————————————– I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.	Gobe1 (6290)
1