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Thread ID: 132083	2013-05-05 22:34:00	Monday Laughs......'Last Chances' and 'Didn't quite make it!' also rans........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1339773	2013-05-05 22:34:00	. . T-Shirts -I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was going to blame you. -Let me guess.......your parents are cousins? -I can only be nice to one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking too good either! I'm not some kind of paranoid schizophrenic, and neither am I. ********************************* I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant. Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd. I was interested, so I asked, “Can you burn me a copy?” Well, that was when the trouble started……………………… ********************************* ~~~~~~ 21 ADULT TRUTHS ~~~~~~ 1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Google Maps really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 1 2. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 1 3. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 1 4. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 1 5. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 1 6. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 1 7. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 1 8. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. 1 9. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 197 4. That means it only took 100 years for men to realise that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing. 20. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.5 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. ********************************* I'm not trying to be punny, but........... 1. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!". 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" T he first replies, "Yes, I'm positive." 5. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?" 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "they're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. Some Friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small Florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, business was good, but a rival Florist across town thought the competition was unfair and he asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the Friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival Florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the Friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars. 9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp. 10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!! Have an ice day. (Well known saying in Polar regions) ********************************* EVER WONDER... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Have a happy day. Cheers Billy 8-{) ;)	Billy T (70)
1339774	2013-05-05 22:53:00	Did you hear about the Kamakaze pilot who flew 180 missions? He was busy but he was not committed. Be careful what you ask for: A vicar walking in the woods came face to face with a ferocious grizzly bear. Thinking quickly, he fell to his knees and prayed, "Lord, please make this bear a Christian." The bear also dropped to his knees and prayed, "For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly grateful." And one to add to the collection of puns: A theatre in Spain caught fire and because there was only one way out there was a mad crush and many were trampled, which just goes to proves that you should not put all your basques in one exit.	Roscoe (6288)
1339775	2013-05-05 23:14:00	You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?? Because then the forces of landing would kill everyone onboard :p	pcuser42 (130)
1339776	2013-05-05 23:18:00	Haha awesome stuff BillyT and Roscoe... "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." - Oh the punniness of it all! *** The Army Officer went to his Dr for his physical when he got asked all the normal questions; age, sex, height and weight etc. Then the Dr asks "When was the last time you had sex Officer?" To which the Officer replies "1945..." The Dr says "Wow that was some time ago...." The Officer says "Not really, according to your clock it's 2130".	lordnoddy (3645)
1339777	2013-05-05 23:32:00	Awesome Billy :thumbs: Number 14 i have used many times....	Gobe1 (6290)
1339778	2013-05-06 01:21:00	Great laughs Billy.	Bobh (5192)
1339779	2013-05-06 03:19:00	A few (non-PC) laughs Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - all he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!! An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!! Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, ‘ f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, 'Wimbledon.' A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.' That’s when the fight started. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour! That’s when the fight started. An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' :lol:	WalOne (4202)
1339780	2013-05-06 03:30:00	Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - all he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, ‘ f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! lmao! Love the LSD Granny!	lordnoddy (3645)
1339781	2013-05-06 04:14:00	It is a amazing how easy it is to cheer up a bunch of tired, miserable, fed-up and grumpy old farts on a Monday morning. And that's just the contributors............... Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
1339782	2013-05-06 04:22:00	A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take This jar home and bring back a semen sample Tomorrow.' The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared At the doctor's office and gave him the jar, Which was as clean and empty as on the Previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried With my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, Then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door And she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing..' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'	tutaenui (1724)
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