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Thread ID: 131165	2013-04-28 23:18:00	Monday Laughs.....Life-Threatening Humour. ..................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1338832	2013-04-28 23:18:00	. . POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKES. The Ultimate Ethnic Joke: (Read them all, they contain a clue to the punchline) An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Maori, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Yorkshireman, a Lancastrian, a Stewart Islander, and two Africans, ...Walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the Maître d', after scrutinising the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai." First see if you can guess the punchline, then left-click and mouse-over to reveal it. Please do not post it, or even hint at it, that would just spoil the joke for everybody else!! ********************************* A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (Abuelo) in a nursing home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Irish home. After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa. 'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson. 'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' said grandpa. 'We're so happy for you" says the grandson. "We were worried that this might be the wrong place for you, you know, since you are a little different than everyone else.' 'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,' Abuelo said with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!' 'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!' 'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doc'!' 'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The !#*king Mexican'. ******************************** Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.” Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?” “Me too Dad.” he says. Dad said “*&#! me, doesn't anyone in this *&#!ing family like pussy?” His Daughter said “I do…” ******************************** A man invites his mate back home for dinner. His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking! What the hell did you invite him round for?" "'Cos he's thinking of getting married." ******************************** I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?” He said, “I'm off to change some wallpaper.” Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward init?” “Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.” ******************************** Man-Led Teaching Classes for Women at an Adult Learning Centre NOTE: Registration must be completed by Dec. 29, 2014 Due To The Complexity And Content Difficulty Levels, Class Sizes Will Be Limited To Eight Participants Maximum. Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM.. Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum .. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Duration Open. Location to be determined. Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined. Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. .................................................. ............................................. Send this to all your male friends for the best chuckle of their day... And to all your female friends who have a sense of humor! From Guys in the Witness Protection Program. Cheers Billy 8-{) :D :devil	Billy T (70)
1338833	2013-04-28 23:37:00	Bottle of Merlot........ A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there...... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read – “For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your trousers” ...... After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in St Tropez and Marbella , and a 10,000 acre estate in Norfolk . There is over £20 million in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back.' ************************************************** ************************************************** *************************** Thanks for number 1 Billy ... I have a similar one involving monks ... :clap	SP8's (9836)
1338834	2013-04-28 23:57:00	Haha brilliant Billy And SP8s :thumbs:	Gobe1 (6290)
1338835	2013-04-29 00:33:00	My bit for the week... *** A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull". "How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have done that" "No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be the Bull". *** What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. *** Thanks for the laughs guys :)	lordnoddy (3645)
1338836	2013-04-29 05:10:00	Some quick ones for Noddy: How does a lion like his meat? ROAR ....................................... what do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad! .......................................... What did the policeman say to his tummy? I've got you under a vest! ................................. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids ................................. What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look, I'm changing. .......................................... What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat? Claude .......................................... . What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots? .......................................... .. What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WATAAAAARR! .......................................... ........ What does a vegan zombie eat? Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains! ........................................ Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs! ...................................... Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool? THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!	Gobe1 (6290)
1338837	2013-04-29 05:34:00	Some quick ones for Noddy: That's what she said ;)	lordnoddy (3645)
1338838	2013-04-29 06:32:00	His Daughter said “I do…” But she could still be bi :p	pcuser42 (130)
1338839	2013-04-29 09:04:00	Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted. 'STOP! Have you got warrant of fitness?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a toffee wrapper and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.' As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his Willie in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyser again.	tutaenui (1724)
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