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Thread ID: 132278	2013-05-12 23:23:00	Monday Laughs......Stereotypes.........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1340915	2013-05-12 23:23:00	. . The Jewish Elbow... A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?....... "What..... You're coming empty handed?" ********************************* The Italian Grandfather... Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'"? ********************************* The Irish blonde... An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...... are men! ********************************* Welsh Women... I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologised and replied, "I am so sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember ********************************* The Arab Boyfriend... My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother, or the SPCA, you choose. Well, she didn't put it quite like that ... what she actually said was...... "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed." ********************************* Australian Business Ethics... Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House. One is from Cabramatta, another is from Marrickville, and the third is from Lane Cove. All three go with an official to examine the fence. The Cabramatta contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Marrickville contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Lane Cove contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Lane Cove contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Marrickville to fix the fence." "Done!" Replies the government official. And that, my fellow taxpayers, is how a Government Business Stimulus plan works. ********************************* Spread the laughter, Share the cheer, Let's be happy while we are here ....! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1340916	2013-05-12 23:35:00	Cheers Billy - loved them all today :D	lordnoddy (3645)
1340917	2013-05-12 23:51:00	Hahahaaa brilliant Thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1340918	2013-05-13 00:03:00	My pick would have to be the three whales ... but they're all great! :D Here's one for the collection The blonde who married a Catholic On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation, then crawled into bed, only to find her devout Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent." In tears, she sobbed, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"	WalOne (4202)
1340919	2013-05-13 02:02:00	Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Calibre Pistol This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire: While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my husband’s knee cap was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.. It's one of the best pistols in my collection	Gobe1 (6290)
1340920	2013-05-13 02:05:00	Just one shot to my husband’s knee cap was all it took. Bahahahaha Gobe you continue to split my sides my friend! Keep up the good work!	lordnoddy (3645)
1340921	2013-05-13 02:46:00	A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."	SP8's (9836)
1340922	2013-05-13 06:25:00	Australian Business Ethics :yuck: Clever fellows them Aussies.	Bobh (5192)
1340923	2013-05-13 08:55:00	Just so you know how Moses got the Ten Commandments.. God went to the Arabs and said, I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better. 'The Arabs asked, ’What are Commandments?’ And the Lord said, ’They are rules for living.’ Can you give us an example?’ ’Thou shall not kill.’ 'Not kill? We’re not interested.’ So He went to the Africans and said, ’I have Commandments.’ They wanted an example, and the Lord said, ’Honour thy Father and Mother.’ ’ Our Father? 'We don’t know who our fathers are. We’re not interested.’ Then He went to the Mexicans and said’ I have Commandments.’ The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said' ’Thou shall not steal.’ ’Not steal? We’re not interested.’ Then He went to the French and said, ’I have Commandments.’ The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ’Thou shall not commit adultery.’ ’Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.’ Finally, He went to the Jews and said, ’I have Commandments.’ ’Commandments?’ They said, ’How much are they?’ ’They’re free.’ ’We’ll take 10.’ There, that should offend just about everybody!	tutaenui (1724)
1340924	2013-05-13 10:25:00	There, that should offend just about everybody!I'm flattered! :banana I added that line to the original joke when I posted it a few years back and it is nice to see that it has remained intact through heaven-knows how many postings on various forums etc. Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
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