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Thread ID: 132690	2013-05-20 06:00:00	Monday Laughs......Late again, but at least I have an excuse: It's the wife's fault!	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1342134	2013-05-20 06:00:00	. . Apologies for late posting, I have Mrs T home after an operation (yeah, another one) and it is a mission to keep her off her feet! We'll start with a bunch of (possibly repeated) groaners. Sorry, blame R2x1. :) The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time .. .. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" A man calls 111 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!" I saw a poor old lady fall over on the ice today!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $12.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening. The wife has been missing two weeks now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the Op Shop to get all her clothes back. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-Dam. Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead. Then I realised she was just on standby. The wife was counting all the coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change." When I was in the pub I heard a couple of drongos saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! Local Police are hunting the 'knitting needle stabber', who has jabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours. Theybelieve the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked." Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" sez Paddy. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. Nineteen Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." A foreign fellow from out East has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat. ****************************** CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY .. .. Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a cradle but only one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . .. .. "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!" ***************************** Global Facts About Sex At any given moment: FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: One sad old person is reading jokes on a Web Forum. You hang in there, Sunshine! ***************************** MARRIAGE/MARIJUANA For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalised marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned." We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before! ***************************** My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. "I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever . . . . . . which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before. !!!!!!! ***************************** A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why worriy about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "Oh, sure" he said, "but it was definitely a first for the darts team!" ******************************* A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant, gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. She watched as the man slid all the way out of sight under the table, but still the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. Thinking this was a bit too risqué behaviour that might offend other diners, the waitress,went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1342135	2013-05-20 06:17:00	A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"	pcuser42 (130)
1342136	2013-05-20 08:25:00	Farmer mate of mine paid $2500 for a young Black Angus bull last month. He put him out with his cows but all it did was just eat grass, sleep all week, never even looked at a cow. My mate began to think he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, he had the Vet come and look at him The Vet said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a bit young, so he gave my mate some pills to feed him once a day. Holy crap! …. the bull started to service the cows within 24 hours, all of my mate's cows … He even broke down the fences and serviced all the cows on both adjoining farms. He's been breeding everything in sight ... He's like a bloody machine !. Dunno what the hell is in those pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint....... ************************************************ ***************************************** An elderly couple, their partners had both passed away, had been going out together for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was time they should get married. Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage might work. They discussed, finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided to broach the subject of their pending physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked rather anxiously. "I prefer to have it infrequently" she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, pondering, then leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word ... or two?" ********************************************** ****************************************** Just the other day, Someone asked me, “Now that you are retired, do you still have a job?” I replied, “Yes I have ... I am my wife's sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fking advice, she'll ask me for it.”	SP8's (9836)
1342137	2013-05-20 10:41:00	At the time of his death Frank Sinatra was managed by his good friend Sam Franks. After Sinatra died Sam decided to open a disco night club. Missing his mate like never before, Sinatra approached St Peter and after telling the tale of him and Sam, asked if he could get special dispensation to visit earth for one last time. St Peter hummed and had a bit of a think but eventually agreed that Frank could visit earth to see Sam,but that he could on no account be late for 08.00 parade on Sunday morning. Appearing in a cloud from absolutely nowhere Frank very nearly gave Sam a heart attack, but after Frank had explained things they were very soon talking away about their life together and time passed so quickly that before they knew it Frank had to rush off back to heaven. Frank was just in time for the parade, but shock, horror, he'd left his harp behind. 'Oh heck,' he thought, 'I'm for the high jump now. But perhaps it'll soften the blow if I sing to St Peter.' Which he did,when as he was being inspected by St Peter when he asked where his harp was, Sinatra said, "I left my harp....in Sam Franks Disco"	tutaenui (1724)
1342138	2013-05-20 17:43:00	Nooooooooooooo! That was horrible. :groan:	WalOne (4202)
1342139	2013-05-20 21:02:00	Hahahaaaa all good guys Thanks Billy	Gobe1 (6290)
1342140	2013-05-20 22:20:00	It takes many nails to build a cradle but only one screw to fill it. Am I dense? I don't get this one. Cheers for the rest though :)	dugimodo (138)
1342141	2013-05-20 22:28:00	Am I dense? I don't get this one. Cheers for the rest though :) You could be screwed when you do ! ;)	R2x1 (4628)
1342142	2013-05-20 22:40:00	Awesome stuff guys - Here's a couple :) * The Makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed a pill to increase lubrication in females. The pill will be called Niagra * A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house." *** Vicar: Whats that you're doing, Tommy? Tommy: Sticking bangers up frogs arses, Vicar. Vicar: Rectum, Tommy. Tommy: Blows 'em to f*cking pieces, Vicar!	lordnoddy (3645)
1342143	2013-05-20 23:24:00	Oh and just for the record - Quote of the week... "The most intelligent thing to come out of her mouth, was my D**k" - Logan (aka LordNoddy).	lordnoddy (3645)
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