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Thread ID: 45795	2004-06-03 04:27:00	OT - Jokes request	mejobloggs (264)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
241548	2004-06-03 04:27:00	Hi people. I am having a jokes section on my website, and am looking for some good jokes. I have been looking at joke sites, but half of them are pretty lame. Can you post jokes here that you actually thought were funny please? Any type of jokes will do.	mejobloggs (264)
241549	2004-06-03 04:29:00	Whats has 2 legs,fur,and bleeds alot? Half a dig . Ha ha ha ha ha . Sorry,don't now a single good joke .	metla (154)
241550	2004-06-03 04:30:00	No idea how a space got in there Half a dog it was meant to say	metla (154)
241551	2004-06-03 04:46:00	Heh, metla, you are a nut :-P , maybe you could feature on my jokes page?	mejobloggs (264)
241552	2004-06-03 04:48:00	Oops, :p I mean. I like my little round people with noses, because I seem to recall that is what a lot of humans have.	mejobloggs (264)
241553	2004-06-03 04:59:00	Do you get the NZ Herald? There is a column on the last page of the first section called 'Sideswipe'. Usually all true stories (jokes) contributed by readers. Some are so funny, they'll crack your head half open. Another way of jokes that some teens, like me find funny, are photo of a person at around 5 yrs old to the same person to day. Yes! Those kindergarten photos :p	~~~~~ s y ~~~~~ (2054)
241554	2004-06-03 05:07:00	Heheh, yeah, I got an old photo somewhere online actually. Me, little kid, fat, blobby, and *gasp* eeeew, no... possibly cute? Yeah, I get NZ herald. Some of those in sideswipe are pretty good.	mejobloggs (264)
241555	2004-06-03 05:09:00	Bags not volunteering... ;-) Susan might offer us a photo of herself before she hopped on the broomstick :D	~~~~~ s y ~~~~~ (2054)
241556	2004-06-03 05:14:00	HTH . The Limo Driver After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb . "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today . " "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that . I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning . "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope . Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel . The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph . "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens . "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver . The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio . "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher . The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five . "So bust him," said the Chief . "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop . Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop . The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger . " Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger . " "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver . -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Pimary school teacher explains to her class that she is a wallibies fan . She asks her students to raise their hands if they are wallibies fans too . Not really knowing what a wallibies was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air . There is, however, one exception . A little girl named Jane has not gone along with the crowd . The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different . "Because I'm not a wallibies fan" she reports . Then, "asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a proud All Black Fan" the girl said! The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red . She asks Jane, "Why are you a All Black Fan?" "Well, my Dad and Mom are All Black fans, so I'm a All Black fan, too," she responds . The teacher is angry now . "That's no reason," she says loudly . "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot . What would you be then?" Jane smiles and says, "Then I'd be a Wallibies fan . " GO The All Blacks !!! . . . . . ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK . He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head . "This is great," he thought and floored it some more . He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting . "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph . Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him . The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man . "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th . If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go . " The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back . " The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day . "" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ART THEFT A thief nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre . However, after planning the crime and getting past security, he was captured two blocks away when his van ran out of gas . Asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a blunder, he replied: "Alas, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make ze Van Gogh . " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mayonnaise and Beer by Anonymous When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar . . . and the beer . A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him . When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls . He then asked the students if the jar was full . They agreed that it was . So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar . He shook the jar lightly . The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls . He then asked the students again if the jar was full . They agreed it was . The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar . Of course, the sand filled up everything else . He asked once more if the jar was full . The students responded with an unanimous "yes . " The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand . The students laughed . "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life . The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full . The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car . The sand is everything else--the small stuff . If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls . The same goes for life . If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you . Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness . Play with your children . Take time to get medical checkups . Take your spouse out to dinner . Play another 18 . There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal . "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter . Set your priorities . The rest is just sand . " One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented . The professor smiled . "I'm glad you asked . It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers . " ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A small boy lost his Dad in the shopping mall and approached a policeman . "Help me - I've lost my Dad" he pleaded . "What's he like?" asked the policeman . "Beer, and blondes in high heels" replied the kid . ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer? None . It should be opened by the time she brings it . ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you . -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink . ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . . " ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't . There is a clock on the oven . ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure . ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course . He'll shut up once you let him in . ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told . ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right . I just didn't know her first name was Always . ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% . It's called a Wedding Cake . ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to . ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy . ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested . Then God created Man and rested . Then God created Woman . Since then, neither God nor Man has rested . Directory Enquiries . . . --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller; "Please give me the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven . " Operator: "I can't find a town called Woven . Are you sure?" Caller: "Of course I am . It's right here on the label . . . ---------- Woven in Scotland!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------	johnboy (217)
241557	2004-06-03 05:19:00	Hi Jobloggs . Anything here be of help - Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear . The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world . Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees . " "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f . . . ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f . . . ing bored, not f . . . ing stupid!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound . " United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this . . . I've got the Little Fokker in sight . " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight . While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for take-off . " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down . San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if, you are able . If you are not able . take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport . " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned and returned to the gate . After an hour-long wait, it took off . A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant . "It took us a while to find a new pilot . " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English . " Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war . " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed . The DC~8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee . Some quick-witted comedian in the DC~8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane . Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts . Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one . " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot . They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them . So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206 . Speedbird 206 . "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway . " Ground: "Speedbird 206 . Taxi to gate Alpha One~Seven . " The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop . Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now . " Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land . " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft . Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727 . An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there . I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am, l' the humbled crew responded . Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771 . Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind . Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high . Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"	Smithie 38 (1008)
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