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Thread ID: 45795	2004-06-03 04:27:00	OT - Jokes request	mejobloggs (264)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
241558	2004-06-03 05:45:00	need a little sarcastic humor? (pressf1.pcworld.co.nz)	Megaman (344)
241559	2004-06-03 06:35:00	A little five-year-old boy was looking at his parent's wedding album with his dad who tried to explain the ceremony and its meaning. Finally, the little boy understood, or thought he did, and exclaimed, "I think I get it now! That's when Mom came to work for us, right?"	Baldy (26)
241560	2004-06-03 06:38:00	When Linda was six months pregnant with my third child, a three year old, came into the room when she was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!" Linda replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bottom side?"	Baldy (26)
241561	2004-06-03 06:49:00	Ummm... I'm pondering whether to point you to rotten.com ........... nah. Too many nice people here. Not recommended for any sensitive souls.	Winston001 (3612)
241562	2004-06-03 08:19:00	> Any type of jokes will do . My dad asked me to email him some jokes the other day . . . so I'll just paste the email in here :) A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager . She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000 . The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari . The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out . The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan . The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan . An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there . Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15 . 41 . The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled . While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?" The blonde replies . . . "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15 . 41 and expect it to be there when I return?" ===== 1 . Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers . However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire . Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled . 2 . A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down . You'll just have to be a little patient . " 3 . A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls . One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more . On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road . Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them . Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises . 4 . A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation . When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?" 5 . Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers travelling west . It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression; "He who has a Tates is lost!" 6 . A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment . A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on . " 7 . A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register . His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census . " 8 . There were three Indian squaws . One slept on a deerskin . One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin . All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy . The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys . This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides . 9 . Indian civil rights leader Mahatma Gandhi used to walk around barefoot, which caused tough, thick callouses on his feet . He was also know to fast for weeks, so he was always very thin and frail . He was also a vegetarian, which tended to give him chronic bad breath, so he was considered to be a super-calloused, fragile mystic, vexed by halitosis . ===== When things go wrong and you feel like crying and your heart breaks and tears come from your eyes . . . . . Let me know PLEASE . . . . . . . . . cos . . . . . . I'm selling tissues . ===== Several men are in the locker room of a golf club . A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk . Everyone else in the room stops to listen . MAN: "Hello" WO MAN: "Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WO MAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat . It's only $1,000 . Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, . . . go ahead if you like it . WO MAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models . I saw one I really liked . " MAN: "How much?" WO MAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options . " WO MAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing . . . the house we wanted last year is back on the market . They're asking $950,000 . " MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000 . " WO MAN: "OK . I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too . " The man hangs up . The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment . Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" ===== ALL women can benefit from the wisdom of the Navajo . A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking . Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in . During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them . "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine . I got it for my husband . " The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade . " ===== For all of you with daughters . A mother enters her daughter's bedroom & sees a letter on the bed . The letter reads, it is with great regret & sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend . I found real passion & he is so nice, with all his piercings & tattoos & his big motorcycle . But it's not only that Mum, I'm pregnant & Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods . He wants to have many more children with me & that's one of my dreams . I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone & we'll be growing it for us & his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine & ecstasies we may want . In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it . Don't worry Mum, I'm 15 years old now & I know how to take care of myself . Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren . Your daughter, Judith PS: Mum, it's not true . I'm at the neighbour's house . I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk drawer . . . I love you! ===== Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom . The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals . So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question . Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death . The question? . . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query . But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end . He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester! He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer . Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer . But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged . The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch . She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first . The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified . She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc . He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life . He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur . He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table . Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered . . . . is to be in charge of her own life . Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared . And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding . The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom . But, what a sight awaited him . The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed . The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened . The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible, deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half . Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . . or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament . During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below . BUT . . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below . OKAY? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself . Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life . Now . . . . what is the moral to this story? The moral is . . . . . If you don't let a woman have her own way . . . . things are going to get ugly . ===== WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase . As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse . "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked . No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him . " UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women . I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider . WIFE vs HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word . An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position . As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws . " ===== A mangy looking guy who goes into a restaurant and orders food . The waiter says, "No way . I don't think you can pay for it . " The guy says, "You're right . I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me the food?" "Deal!" replies the waiter . The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster . He puts the hamster on the counter and it runs to the end, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard, and starts playing Gershwin songs . And the hamster is really good . The waiter says, "You're right . I've never seen anything like that before . That hamster is truly good on the piano . " The guy downs the hamburger he ordered and asks the waiter for another . "Money or another miracle," says the waiter . The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog . He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing . He has a marvelous voice and great pitch . A fine singer . A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog . The guy says, "It's a deal . " He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog . The stranger runs out of the restaurant . The waiter says to the guy, "Are you crazy? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions . " "Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist . " ===== A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit . Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon . " Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench . The 4-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh . . . I know what *you've* been doing . " ===== Mr . Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital and quickly taken in for emergency heart surgery . The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a sweet nun, who was waiting by his bed . "Mr . Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand . "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here . Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely . "Then can you pay in cash?" the nun asked . "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister . " "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned . "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered . "But she's a humble spinster nun . " "Oh, I must correct you, Mr . Smith . Nuns are not spinsters . They are married to God!" "Really?" said Mr . Smith . "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!" ===== Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? ===== The church gossip, and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business . Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence . She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon . She commented to George on a Sunday morning, in the company of many, that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing . George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away . He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing . Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of her house and left it there all night . ===== THE HOKEY POKEY Original Lyrics Put your left foot in, Your left foot out, Your left foot in, And shake it all about . You do the hokey pokey And turn yourself around That's what it's all about . THE HOKEY POKEY Shakespearean Style O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe . Anon, once more the gesture, then begin: Command sinistral pedestal to writhe . Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke . A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl . To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke . Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl . The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about . ===== A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home in the summer near a junior high school . He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment . Then a new school year began . The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful afterschool enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered . The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action . The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street . Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun . I like to see you express your exuberance like that . I used to do the same thing when I was your age . Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing . " The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans . A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street . "Look" he said, "I haven't received my Social Security (pension) check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents . Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?!" the drum leader exclaimed . "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister . We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days . ===== A single guy who was very lonely decided that life would be more fun if he had a pet . So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet . After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house . He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box home, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have dinner . So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Wendy's with me to have dinner?" But there was no answer from his new pet . This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to Wendy's with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet . So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation . He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Wendy's with me to have dinner?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!!" ===== THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY ~ Better save that . We'll need it for the autopsy . ~ Someone call the janitor . We're going to need a mop . ~ Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog! ~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? ~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie . ~ Oh no! I just lost my Rolex . ~ Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? ~ Darn, there go the lights again . . . ~ Ya know, there's big money in kidneys . Heck, this guy's got two of 'em . ~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! ~ Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off . ~ What's this doing here? ~ I hate it when they're missing stuff in here . ~ That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! ~ I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses . ~ Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all . ~ Sterile, shcmerile . The floor's clean, right? ~ Anyone see where I left that scalpel? ~ And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape . ~ Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness . ~ Okay, now take a picture from this angle . This is truly a freak of nature . ~ Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? ~ Don't worry . I think it's sharp enough . ~ What do you mean you want a divorce! ~ She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!! ~ FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!! ~ Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing! ===== The person who suggests spitting the bill evenly is always the person who ordered the most expensive items . ===== The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement . ===== Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity . He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little . We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate . " He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?" He said, "I would that, Father . " The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?" Harrigan said, "No . " The priest said, "And why not?" He said, "I have two greyhounds . " ===== The more confidential the memo, the more likely it will be left in the copy machine . ===== When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from . " The purpose was to understand your genealogy . I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you . " "Where did Mom come from then?" "The stork brought her, too . " "OK, then where did you come from?" "The stork brought me too, dear . " "Okay, thanks, Grandma . " I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family . " ===== My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect . Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss . " He then taped it to his office door . Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants you to bring her sign back!" ===== I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing . If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! ===== One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept . A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to study this stuff?" "To save lives," the professor responded and continued with the lecture . A few minutes later the same student spoke up again . "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted . "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor . ===== The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left . She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting . " "It was postponed," he replied . "The Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate's wife wouldn't let him attend tonight . " ===== If an optimist fell from a ten-story building, would he yell out to his friends, "All right so far" as he passed each floor? ===== An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area . Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy . He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move . Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond . Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing . Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch . The motorist was most appreciative and very curious . He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times . The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try . " ===== Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? ===== The preacher's wife was in an exotic pet store and she discovered a sign on a cage that said, "Parrot for Sale, $9 . 95 . . . includes cage . " She just could not pass up such a bargain, but she asked the clerk why the parrot was so cheap . "This parrot used to use the foulest language . We have been retraining him, but we can't guarantee anything . That is why he is so cheap . The preacher's wife still thought it was a good deal, so she bought the parrot and the cage, took him home, and hung the cage in the kitchen . She said, "Polly want a cracker?" The parrot started using some of the foulest language she had ever heard . . . some words she had never even heard before . She opened the cage, grabbed the parrot by the throat, stuffed him into the freezer and slammed the door . In a few minutes, she opened the freezer door . The parrot's feathers were ruffled from the cold, but he was okay otherwise . "You use those words around me again, and I'll give you more of the same!" The bird nodded but said nothing . The next day she had a group of widows over for a prayer meeting . Convinced the parrot had learned his lesson, she brought his cage into the living room to show him off . During prayer time, the parrot cut loose again . The ladies were so embarrassed . The preacher's wife opened the cage, grabbed the parrot by the throat, and stuffed him into the freezer again . This time she left him in there about twice as long as before . When she opened the freezer, this time there was frost on his beak . She pulled him out of the freezer and returned him to his cage . The parrot said nothing until all of the ladies had gone . "Can I ask you a question, ma'am?" the parrot asked . "What is it?" the preacher's wife answered . "What did that turkey in there say?" ===== A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand . ===== (and some one-liners) ~43% of all statistics are useless . ~A man doesn't automatically get my respect . He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it . ~A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police . ~A man's best friend is his dog . That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper . ~A penny saved is a government oversight . ~A penny saved is worthless . ~A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on . ~A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn . ~A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago . ~A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks . ~A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor . (Dedicated to ESG 1!) ~A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all . ~A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn . ~A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out . ~Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue . ~After four decimal places, nobody cares . ~All computers wait at the same speed . ~All of me is beautiful and valuable . . . even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts . ~Christmas is a race to see which gives out first: Your money or your feet . ~Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery . ~[bumper snicker] DANGER! I drive like you do . ~December is the most popular month for nose jobs . ~Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead . Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow . Do not walk beside me, either . Just leave me alone . ~Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"? ~Does killing time damage eternity? ~Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain . ~Don't question authority . It hasn't got a clue! ~Drive carefully . 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents . ~Dyslexics have more fnu . ~Employment applications always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency . I think you should write "A good doctor!" ~Even hypocrites admire righteousness . That is why they imitate it . ~Ever wonder what was greatest BEFORE sliced bread? ~Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America . If I'm not there, I go to work . ~Everyone has 20/20 hindsight . ~Experience is the one thing you have plenty of when you're too old to get a job . ~Frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them . ~Given an infinite number of geeks in an infinite number of Star Trek conventions, would there be at least one with a life? ~God answers kneemail . ~God enjoys receiving knee-mails . ~He who composes himself is wiser than he who composes books . ~He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead . ~He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree . ~Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! ~How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are? ~How come you never hear about gruntled employees? ~How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? ~How is it possible to have a civil war? ~How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on . ~How much deeper would the oceans be if sponges didn't live there? ~I am not fat, I am a nutritional overachiever . ~I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem . ~I doubt, therefore I might be . ~I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease . . . . that's when your chest is falling into your drawers! ~I haven't lost my mind--it's backed up on disk somewhere . ~I know . I know . People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?! ~I may be fat, but you're ugly . I can lose weight! ~I planted some birdseed . A bird came up . Now I don't know what to feed it . ~I played a blank tape on full volume . The mime next door complained . ~I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time . ~I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights . Now it looks like I'm the only one moving . ~I spilled Spot remover on my dog . Now he's gone . ~I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it . ~I think, therefore I am overqualified . ~I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out . The weatherman said, "I don't understand it . It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today . " I said "Oops . . . " ~I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees . ~I used to be conceited, but now I'm absolutely perfect . ~I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure . ~I used to work in a fire hydrant factory . You couldn't park anywhere near the place . ~I was getting in my car, and this guy says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure . You look great! The world is your oyster! Go for it!'" ~I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off . ~I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it . ~I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few . ~I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges . ~If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? ~If cats and dogs didn't have fur, would we still pet them? ~If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me . ~If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book . Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live . ~If #2 pencils are so good, why don't they ever become #1? ~Is a person who leaves the church having an out-of-the-Body experience? ~Jesus paid the price . You get to keep the change . ~Keep the faith . . . But not from others! ~Life is not so much a matter of position as of disposition . ~Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently-talented fool . ~One of the greatest happiness's of life is the conviction that we are loved--loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves . ~Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog . ~Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill . Check 3 friends . If they're okay, you're it . ~Some folks wear their halos much too tight . ~Some folks won't look up until they're flat on their backs . ~Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets oiled, sometimes it gets replaced . ~Swallowing your pride seldom leads to indigestion . ~The average American takes six months to pay off holiday credit-card bills . ~The definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out; put new ones in . ~The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits . ~The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier . ~The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name . . . ~The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face . ~The facts, though interesting, are simply irrelevant . ~The idea is to die young as late as possible . ~The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30% of the people in this world . ~The word "love" can have many different meanings . . . it loses value when overly used and has no value at all if never spoken or shown to others . ~Then there was the time Geronimo jumped out of an airplane and yelled, "MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" ~We are born naked, wet, and hungry . Then things get worse . ~What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer ~What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic ~Who are these people that have the time to figure out how many of ANYTHING placed end-to-end would circle the planet? ~Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a chapter 11? ~Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? ~Wife to husband: "This Christmas let's give each other sensible gifts, like ties and fur coats . " ~"Write a wise saying and your name will live forever . " - Anonymous ~You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!" ~You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger . ~Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace . And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace . ~Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age just looks tired . Mike .	Mike (15)
241563	2004-06-03 11:58:00	Wow, thanks everyone, quite a lot of jokes here. Anyway, to see all your hard work, go to www.bloggsworld.com	mejobloggs (264)
241564	2004-06-03 12:06:00	ummmmm that link doesn't work.	zqwerty (97)
241565	2004-06-03 12:08:00	http://www.laugh-of-the-day.com/	zqwerty (97)
241566	2004-06-03 21:38:00	Heres is some more Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips . Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip . Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Gates In 2050 A . D . Bill Gates died in a car accident . He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God . . . "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call . I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell . Heaven or Hell . After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows ME . I'm going to do something I've never done before . In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God . What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision . " "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you . " Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first . " So Bill went to Hell . It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters . There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about . The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect . Bill was very pleased . "This is great!" he told God . "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went . Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing . It was nice but not as enticing as Hell . Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision . "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God . "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire . " So Bill Gates went to Hell . Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell . When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave . He was being burned and tortured by demons . "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked . Bill responded -- his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected . I can't believe this happened . What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver . " ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Recruits The CIA had an opening for an assassin . After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists . . . two men and a woman . For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun . "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances . Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair . Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious . I could never shoot my wife . " The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job . Take your wife and go home . " The second man was given the same instructions . He took the gun and went into the room . All was quiet for about five minutes . Then the man came out with tears in his eyes . "I tried, but I can't kill my wife . " The agent said, "You don't have what it takes . Take your wife and go home . " Finally, it was the woman's turn . She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband . She took the gun and went into the room . Shots were heard, one shot after another . They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls . After a few minutes, all was quiet . The door opened slowly and there stood the woman . She wiped the sweat from her brow . "This gun is loaded with blanks",she said . "I had to beat him to death with the chair . " Moral: Women are evil . Don't mess with them ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Golfer . . . It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon . So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home . "Hello?" says a little girl's voice . "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John . "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy . She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred . " After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then . Here's what I want you do . Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house . " "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone . "Well, I did what you said, Daddy . " "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead . " "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool . But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too . " There is a long pause . "Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMPUTER DEFINITIONS PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI: System Can't See It DOS: Defective Operating System BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM: I Blame Microsoft DEC: Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months WWW: World Wide Wait MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ALMOST TRUE Everyone has a photographic memory . Some don't have film . He who laughs last, thinks slowest . A day without sunshine is like, well, night . Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine . I just got lost in thought . It was unfamiliar territory . Seen it all, done it all . Can't remember most of it . Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't . I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe . You have the right to remain silent . Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you . Honk if you love peace and quiet . Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool . Remember . . . if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off . If you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong . -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SUCCESS At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants . At age 12 success is . . . having friends . At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license . At age 20 success is . . . having sex . At age 35 success is . . . having money . At age 50 success is . . . having money . At age 60 success is . . . having sex . At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license . At age 75 success is . . . having friends . At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants . -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CREATIVE WRITING A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements - religion - royalty - sex - mystery The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen . "I'm pregnant . I wonder who did it?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BRAIN TEST Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles . As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert . The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so . . . . . . . . . Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence . So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it . OK, relax, clear your mind and . . . . . . . begin . . . . And no peeking at the answers . 1 . What do you put in a toaster? The answer is bread . If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else . Try not to hurt yourself . If you said, "bread", go to question 2 . 2 . Say "silk" five times . Now spell "silk" . What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water . If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question . Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat . It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World" . If you said, "water" then proceed to question three . 3 . If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass . If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions????? Dang . . . . . If you said "glass" then go on to question four . 4 . Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany . If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany . Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail . The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure . Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"? Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors . If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash . Your efforts would not be appreciated . If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question . 5 . If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour? Answer: One degree . If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league . Turn your pencil in and exit the room . Everyone else proceed to the final question . 6 . Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London, 17 people get on the bus . In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on . In Swindon, two people get off and four get on . In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on . You then arrive at Milford Haven . What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU ! Read the first line again! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely . So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to . God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman . He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you . She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement . She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them . She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it . " Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg . " Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course the rest is history . . . . -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHY MUMS ARE GREAT MUM TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!" MUM TAUGHT ME RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of that carpet!" MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into next week!" MUM TAUGHT ME LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why!" MUM TAUGHT ME FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident . " MUM TAUGHT ME IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about!" MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?" MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!" MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER: "It looks like a tornado went through your room!" MUM TAUGHT ME HOW TO SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?" MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times-don't exaggerate!" MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!" MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate kids in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" And most of all . . . . . MUM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, I can take you out!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting . "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks . The two Aussies just stare at him . "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries . The two continue to stare . "Parlare Italiano?" No response . "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing . The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted . The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language . " "Why?" says the other . "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good . " --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have You Ever WONDERED 1 . Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 2 . Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 3 . Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 4 . How do I set my laser printer on stun? 5 . How is it possible to have a civil war? 6 . If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 7 . If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 8 . If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to follow suit? 9 . If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 10 . If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 11 . If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? 12 . If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 13 . If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 14 . Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? 15 . Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 16 . Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE JANITOR AND E-MAIL An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor . The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: floors, sweeping, and cleaning) . After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5 . 15 an hour . Let me have your E-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day . " Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address . To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed . " Stunned, the man leaves . Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25-pound flat of tomatoes at the supermarket . Within less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100 percent profit . Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night . And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes . Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly . After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business . By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of 100 formerly unemployed people, all selling tomatoes . Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance . Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances . At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically . When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!" After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!" Moral of this story: 1 . The Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce do not need to rule yourlife . 2 . If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire . 3 . Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire . 4 . If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------	johnboy (217)
241567	2004-06-04 09:36:00	A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."	miknz (3731)
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