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Thread ID: 134282	2013-06-17 01:44:00	Monday Laughs......Drinking, Naval Gazing, Old Farts and other Stuff.........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1346041	2013-06-17 01:44:00	. . Alco ..... Cheers!!! It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. - George Burns A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. - W.C. Fields I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on. ~Oscar Levant I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not. ~Brendan Behan Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy! ~Frank Sinatra I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.~Winston Churchill Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. -Kinky Friedman Dear Alcohol, we had a deal, you were going to make me funnier, sexier, more intelligent and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk. -Anonymous I used to think drinking was bad for me. So I gave up thinking. -Anonymous I would date you, but my heart already belongs to Johnny Walker. -Anonymous Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver. -Anonymous You look like I need another drink! -Anonymous Alcohol does not solve problems, but then again, neither does milk. -Anonymous I say NO to alcohol, but it just doesn't listen!! ********************************* Royal Navy News The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 Destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access and live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its own on-board industrial tribunal. The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco, which will have its sound volume limited to conversational level, and all dancers must have a clear separation zone, 5 metres in diameter, to prevent accidental contact that could cause injury. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, with the exception of Capstan Full Strength. Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches and this applies equally to women crew members. The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag has already been discarded. The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast. The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels." His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules." ********************************* Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting and tweeting codes: * ATD- At the Doctor's * BFF - Best Friends Funeral * BTW- Bring the Wheelchair * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM- Covered by Medicare * CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center * DWI- Driving While Incontinent * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was * GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low * GHA - Got Heartburn Again * HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement * LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out * LOL- Living on Lipitor * OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas * TOT- Texting on Toilet * WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!) ********************************* CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY.... Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . .... "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!" SB R2x1 ********************************* A NEW WORD Every so often a little gem just seems to pop up out of nowhere. This one is just brilliant. I couldn't find it in the Oxford dictionary, or my old Webster's, so I “Googled” it and discovered it is a recently "coined" new word. Getting really close to the bone! Now read this one over slowly and absorb the facts that totally are within this sentence! I love this: Finally, a word coined specifically to describe our current political situation vis 'a vis the aging Lothario with the MIA Party, and the forgetful PM who can't remember what he has to forget and forgets what he has to remember! Ineptocracy (in-ep-toc'-ra-cy) - A system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1346042	2013-06-17 02:01:00	An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her lawyer she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over the local Warehouse. 'Warehouse?' the lawyer exclaimed. 'Why the Warehouse?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage: A relationship where one person is always right and the other is a husband.	tutaenui (1724)
1346043	2013-06-17 03:14:00	The Minister goes to visit his chief organist, Marge, to discuss the coming Jubilee for the Parish. Marge is 75, lives alone and has never married, but has been a devout christian all her life. Marge sees the Minister inside to her lounge and goes off to put the kettle on for a cup of tea. While Marge is away doing her things in the kitchen the Minister wanders around the lounge admiring the paintings and the beautiful organ. While looking at the organ he notices a fishbowl full of water with no fish inside, so he decides to have a closer look. To his astonishment he notices an unused condom floating in the bowl!!! When Marge comes back with the tea apparatus he wastes no time and questions her to the reason for the condom in the bowl. She says: " Ah, that's what it is. Well I found it on the ground outside the park and on the packaging it read - Please remove from wrapping, keep moist and place on organ to prevent infections. Well, I must say it works as I never felt better!"	Sanco (683)
1346044	2013-06-17 08:47:00	Good ones, BillyT - and Sanco, and Tutaenui! :lol::lol::lol:	WalOne (4202)
1346045	2013-06-17 10:46:00	Confucius also say, "Man who makes love on hillside, him not on level"...........	lakewoodlady (103)
1346046	2013-06-17 10:57:00	Poor Marge.	Bobh (5192)
1346047	2013-06-18 03:48:00	An accountant and a pope went to heaven. The pope was allocated an austere room while the accountant received an opulent room. The pope questioned St Peter thinking there must be some mistake. "Not at all. We see popes all the time. This is our first accountant in years."	Roscoe (6288)
1346048	2013-06-19 10:01:00	My tennis coach had a call from Marina Erakovic last night. He said she sounded upset and had said, ''Look, I'm trying my best but how do I make sure I make it to this years Wimbledon doubles final?'' He replied ''Ticketmaster,'' .	tutaenui (1724)
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