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Thread ID: 134357	2013-06-24 03:15:00	Monday Laughs......Do not panic M.L. is still alive and well ..................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1346756	2013-06-24 03:15:00	. . MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark. 15. When you go on trial in court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who were not smart enough to get out of jury duty. ********************************* THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 6", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang, and he could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: The West Texas Sheriff's Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We don't let just anyone carry our badge, son." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six religious extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant. "You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?" YOU JUST GOTTA LOVE THEM TEXANS . . . ********************************* A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon, and when they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh Mama," the new bride replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, and he's .. .. .. he's .. .. " Suddenly she burst into tears. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language!" --- "Things I'd never heard before--- " said the bride, sobbing. "I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home!! PLEASE, Mama!!" The new bride was now wailing. "Sarah, Sarah!" her mother said. "Calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed; they're just too awful!" "JUST COME GET ME .. .. PLEASE!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!" Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama .. ., he used words like: "WASH .. . IRON .. . DUST .. . and COOK!!!!" "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes!" snapped her mother. SB R2x1 ********************************* At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Is, Señor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .. ." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Señor." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" "Yes, Señor Bob." "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Señor Bob." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her on the head with your new Ping G15 204g titanium golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft." SILENCE .. .. .. .. .. . LONG SILENCE .. .. .. .. . VERY LONG SILENCE .. .. .. .. .. .. "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shlt ********************************* An old woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what malady would you prefer to get, Parkinsons or Alzheimers?" The wise lady answered, "Definitely Parkinsons!" ~ "Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1346757	2013-06-24 03:38:00	I liked the Murphy's law list, particularly number 15. I have only been called up for Jury Duty once. I was smart enough to get out of it so I missed the experience.	Bobh (5192)
1346758	2013-06-24 03:44:00	:D:D	gary67 (56)
1346759	2013-06-24 05:27:00	I liked the Murphy's law list, particularly number 15. I have only been called up for Jury Duty once. I was smart enough to get out of it so I missed the experience. My experience of jury duty was very positive. It was very interesting and well worth the time. I would encourage everyone to go on jury duty. I'm certain that they will enjoy participating.	Roscoe (6288)
1346760	2013-06-24 06:02:00	I like the four letter words :lol:	WalOne (4202)
1346761	2013-06-24 09:12:00	A rugby fan is drinking in a Dunedin bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Taranaki baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in the Naki... like I said, my boy's gonna be a rugby player.' Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!' The man from Taranaki takes a slow swig of his Speights, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised...'	tutaenui (1724)
1346762	2013-06-25 00:16:00	HOW TO OFFEND EVERYONE I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.' I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers. A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'. I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'. Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that! A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.' Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best! Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed. I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.' Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb ****! I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country? I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake. Lurking.	Lurking (218)
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