Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 134496	2013-07-07 23:04:00	Monday Laughs...Aphorisms, Politicians, Bob Hope, then it's all downhill from there..	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1348223	2013-07-07 23:04:00	. . Aphorisms for 2013: -It's not whether you win or lose, but how and where you place the blame. -You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -We have enough " youth " . How about a fountain of " smart " ? -The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. -A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party -When blondes have more fun, do they actually know it? -Five days a week my body is a temple, for the other two it's an unsupervised amusement park. -Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control! -Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. -If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you. -Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol. -We are born naked, traumatised, wet and hungry, then things get worse! -Red meat is ok, really, it's fuzzy green meat that's bad for you. -Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name. ********************************* Special Section For Those Whom We Elected: >Wellington's motto: 'At least we're not Waiouru!' >Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. > " You know why politicians are like bananas? When first they come in, they are green, next they turn yellow, and then they go rotten. " > " I think politicians should wear uniforms, you know, like sports people, so we could identify their corporate sponsors. " >The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to earn a living under the laws they've passed. ********************************* BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.. And thanks for the memories. A tribute to a man who DID make a difference. ON TURNING 70 'I still chase women, but only downhill'. ON TURNING 80 'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.' ON TURNING 90 'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.' ON TURNING 100 'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.' ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER (BOXING) 'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.' ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR 'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'. ON GOLF 'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.' ON PRESIDENTS 'I have performed for twelve Presidents and entertained only six.' ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER 'When I was born, the Doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham. ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL 'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.' ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY 'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, Mother threw on another brother.' ON HIS SIX BROTHERS 'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.' ON HIS EARLY FAILURES 'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.' ON GOING TO HEAVEN 'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.' ********************************* MARRIAGE and /MARIJUANA For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalised marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect biblical sense, because Leviticus 20:13 says, " If a man lies with another man they should be stoned. " We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before! ********************************* A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, " Good day, Madame. How may we help you today? " Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, " Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? " Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, " Madame, I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shlt yourself if you hear the price! ********************************* After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. He begins to worry. " Is this your husband? " he nervously asks. " No, silly, " she replies, snuggling up to him. " Your boyfriend, then? " he continues. " No, not at all, " she says, nibbling away at his ear. " Is it your dad or your brother? " he inquires, hoping to be reassured. " No, no, no! " she answers. " Well, who in the hell is he, then? " he demands. " That's me before the surgery. " ********************************* An old hillbilly is sitting on his porch when a young lad happens by, carrying a roll of wire fence. The old guy says: " Boy, where are you goin' with that there wire? " The young fella says: " This ain't no ordinary wire, this is chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens. " The old one laughs and says: " Boy, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire! " Later on, the Young fella comes back with a bunch of chickens entwined in the chicken wire, much to the shock of the old man. A day later; the boy passes the same old man on the porch. This time he's carrying a roll of tape. The old man says: " Boy, where you goin' with that there tape? " The boy says: " This ain't no ordinary tape, this here is duck tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks. " The old guy laughs again, and says: " You can't catch no ducks with duck tape! " Again, the boy returns with several ducks stuck to the tape, and the old guy still can't believe it. On the third day; the boy passes by the old man again. This time he's carrying a tree branch. Once again the old man asks: " Boy, where you goin' with that there tree branch? " The boy says: " This ain't no ordinary tree, this is pussy willow. " The old guy says: " Jes wait a second boy, let me go get mah hat. " Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
1348224	2013-07-07 23:07:00	Extra entry for those who still have the first post white-out. :) . . Aphorisms for 2013: -It's not whether you win or lose, but how and where you place the blame. -You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -We have enough " youth " . How about a fountain of " smart " ? -The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. -A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party -When blondes have more fun, do they actually know it? -Five days a week my body is a temple, for the other two it's an unsupervised amusement park. -Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control! -Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. -If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you. -Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol. -We are born naked, traumatised, wet and hungry, then things get worse! -Red meat is ok, really, it's fuzzy green meat that's bad for you. -Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name. ********************************* Special Section For Those Whom We Elected: >Wellington's motto: 'At least we're not Waiouru!' >Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. > " You know why politicians are like bananas? When first they come in, they are green, next they turn yellow, and then they go rotten. " > " I think politicians should wear uniforms, you know, like sports people, so we could identify their corporate sponsors. " >The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to earn a living under the laws they've passed. ********************************* BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.. And thanks for the memories. A tribute to a man who DID make a difference. ON TURNING 70 'I still chase women, but only downhill'. ON TURNING 80 'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.' ON TURNING 90 'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.' ON TURNING 100 'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.' ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER (BOXING) 'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.' ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR 'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'. ON GOLF 'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.' ON PRESIDENTS 'I have performed for twelve Presidents and entertained only six.' ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER 'When I was born, the Doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham. ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL 'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.' ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY 'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, Mother threw on another brother.' ON HIS SIX BROTHERS 'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.' ON HIS EARLY FAILURES 'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.' ON GOING TO HEAVEN 'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.' ********************************* MARRIAGE and /MARIJUANA For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalised marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect biblical sense, because Leviticus 20:13 says, " If a man lies with another man they should be stoned. " We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before! ********************************* A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, " Good day, Madame. How may we help you today? " Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, " Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? " Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, " Madame, I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shlt yourself if you hear the price! ********************************* After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. He begins to worry. " Is this your husband? " he nervously asks. " No, silly, " she replies, snuggling up to him. " Your boyfriend, then? " he continues. " No, not at all, " she says, nibbling away at his ear. " Is it your dad or your brother? " he inquires, hoping to be reassured. " No, no, no! " she answers. " Well, who in the hell is he, then? " he demands. " That's me before the surgery. " ********************************* An old hillbilly is sitting on his porch when a young lad happens by, carrying a roll of wire fence. The old guy says: " Boy, where are you goin' with that there wire? " The young fella says: " This ain't no ordinary wire, this is chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens. " The old one laughs and says: " Boy, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire! " Later on, the Young fella comes back with a bunch of chickens entwined in the chicken wire, much to the shock of the old man. A day later; the boy passes the same old man on the porch. This time he's carrying a roll of tape. The old man says: " Boy, where you goin' with that there tape? " The boy says: " This ain't no ordinary tape, this here is duck tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks. " The old guy laughs again, and says: " You can't catch no ducks with duck tape! " Again, the boy returns with several ducks stuck to the tape, and the old guy still can't believe it. On the third day; the boy passes by the old man again. This time he's carrying a tree branch. Once again the old man asks: " Boy, where you goin' with that there tree branch? " The boy says: " This ain't no ordinary tree, this is pussy willow. " The old guy says: " Jes wait a second boy, let me go get mah hat. " Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
1348225	2013-07-09 09:49:00	:thumbs: Good ones Billy, especially the Bob Hope one liners :lol::lol:	WalOne (4202)
1348226	2013-07-10 23:34:00	This Weekend in Waiouru events.stuff.co.nz	kingdragonfly (309)
1348227	2013-07-11 07:58:00	This Weekend in Waiouru events.stuff.co.nz Plenty happening in Waiouru this weekend - just take a snow shovel to help clear the roads...	johcar (6283)
1