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Thread ID: 134431	2013-07-01 00:57:00	Monday Laughs....The perils of aging...............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1347587	2013-07-01 00:57:00	. . In homage to our [cough] older members........;) Should I Really Join Facebook? When I bought my smartphone, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with many employees, all without a cellphone that plays music, records videos, takes photos, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. Under duress, I finally signed up for Twitter and Facebook so that my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great-grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter, with only 140 characters of space. Next day my phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am just not ready to live like this, so now I keep my cellphone in the garage in the glovebox of my car. The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they reckon I get lost every now and then going over to the supermarket or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench along with the Blue Tooth hands-free I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at the supermarket, talking to my wife, and everyone within 50 metres was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud. I mean, the GPS looked pretty smart on my dashboard, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying and rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead......... well, it was not a good relationship... When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and although she's starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me. To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for some years now, but I still haven't figured out how I could lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets whenever the phone rings. The world is just getting too complex for me. It even messes me up every time I go to the supermarket. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags from New World to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot." P.S. I know some of most of you are not over 70, but I posted this anyway to allow you to forward it to those who are. I figured your sense of humor could handle it... We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV and garage door remotes are about all we can handle. ********************************* Senior citizens are the Nation's leading carriers of aids! Hearing aids Band aids Roll aids Walking aids Medical aids Government aids Most of all, Monetary aids to their kids! Not forgetting HIV (hair is vanishing) Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk. ********************************* During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "So a normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug; do you want a bed near the window?" [i]Are you going to pass this on, or do you want the bed next to mine? ********************************* Why I Like Retirement! Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Shoes with laces. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal. Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest. ********************************* SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the Undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' 'He was 98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Yes, hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She replied simply, 'No peer pressure.' Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1347588	2013-07-01 04:10:00	Okay guys - it's been a while since I've posted on here... here you go - enjoy it :) *** Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't." *** Q. Why wasn't jesus born in the U.S.A ? A. Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. *** "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY" So what ? Who's in a hurry ? *** Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night?? A: Hansons. *** A nun is walking down the street, when suddenly a punk jumps out of the bushes and hits her over the head, proceeds to kick her in the groin and break her nose with a massive left hook. As the nun is lying bleeding on the floor, the guy looks down and says: You're getting slow in your old age, Batman. *** One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't f**k with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."	lordnoddy (3645)
1347589	2013-07-01 09:25:00	Great laughs.	Bobh (5192)
1347590	2013-07-02 05:00:00	A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light." Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was." A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.	pctek (84)
1347591	2013-07-02 05:05:00	"No, I'm traveling light." Bahahaha, ouch, my sides!!! *** Mushroom walks into a bar and the bar tender says "Sorry mate, we don't serve your kind in here." to which the mushroom replies "Oh, why not? I'm a Fungi!"	lordnoddy (3645)
1347592	2013-07-02 06:47:00	A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." Brilliant :thumbs:	WalOne (4202)
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