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Thread ID: 48168	2004-08-16 04:27:00	OT: Monday laughs	Billy T (70)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
262146	2004-08-16 04:27:00	A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw that there was a huge wall of clocks behind him, so he asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that honest Abe only told two lies in his entire life." "So, where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
262147	2004-08-16 04:41:00	Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne. The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland." "How can you tell?" asked the American. "I can feel the cold air from Siberia." he replied. A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said. "How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert." Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed. The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. "My watch is missing."	nzStan (440)
262148	2004-08-16 04:44:00	ahahah, thats great.	MrBeef (342)
262149	2004-08-16 04:54:00	"Biblical Characters As High-tech Promoters" Couldn't biblical characters be recruited as high-tech promoters? Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans: 10. Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything. Why not you? 9. Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com): Take two tablets and call me in the morning. 8. The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights. 7. Adam and Eve for Dell: No Apples for us. We've learned the hard way. 6. Solomon for Microsoft: Don't cut the baby in half. 5. Joseph for Nikon Coolpix: Only Nikon can capture the 36-bit color of my megapixel dreamcoat. 4. Methuselah for AARP.org: Life begins at 960. 3. John the Baptist for DunkinDonuts.com: You'll be head over heels for our new Munchkin platter. 2. Pharaoh for Symantec: If only we'd had Norton AntiPlague 2003 in 2003...B.C.E. 1. Job for Nasdaq: 'Nuff said.	nzStan (440)
262150	2004-08-16 05:28:00	OK one last one for this Monday ( c'mon kiki, let's see that smile.... :) ) "A Faithful Centipede" A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed! He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"	nzStan (440)
262151	2004-08-16 05:39:00	Just got this in from a usually reliable source . It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" and even the most advanced AV programs of AVG, Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it . So be warned . The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960! Symptoms of the Senile Virus: 1 . Causes you to send the same e-mail twice . 2 . Causes you to send blank e-mail . 3 . Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person . 4 . Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you . 5 . Causes you to forget to attach attachments . 6 . Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail . I don't remember if I sent this one out . . . . . . . . . I don't think I did . . . or did you send it to me?? Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . . God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference . Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: 1 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it . 2 My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran . 3 I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart . 4 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . . 5 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . . 6 All reports are in; life is now officially unfair . 7 If all is not lost, where is it? 8 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser . 9 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . . 10 . Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant . 11 . I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few . . . 12 . Kids in the back seat cause accidents . 13 . Accidents in the back seat cause kids . 14 . Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . . 15 It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere . 16 . The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom . 17 . If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees . 18 . When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 19 . Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . . 20 . It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere . 21 . The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth . 22 . These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after . 23 . I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT! 24 . Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded . . . Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 2 or 3, maybe 5, maybe 10, oh bugger, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are . Then something is supposed to happen . I think . Maybe you get your memory back or something? I think . . .	godfather (25)
262152	2004-08-16 05:48:00	Glad you're keeping up with the Monday humour Billy T. Really enjoy it and the others that are joining in. Since threads are on the pearly gates/ religious slant kind of thing, I'll only add a small bit of advice on what you do down here before you get up there. Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving .................. safely in an attractive and well preserved body, ...............................but rather to skid in sideways, ................Champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, ............body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming .................................WOO HOO - What a Ride !!!!! Enjoy the rest of the week everyone, regards, Marg. Excuse all the dots, but can't figure out how to keep words in the middle. Keep shooting to the left hand side on preview.	pulling hair out (4493)
262153	2004-08-16 06:41:00	> The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960! > Symptoms of the Senile Virus: You wouldn't mind making that cutoff a bit earlier would you Goddie? I really don't think it should apply to me . You wouldn't mind making that cutoff a bit earlier would you Goddie? I really don't think it should apply to me You wouldn't mind making that cutoff a bit earlier would you Goddie? I really don't think it should apply to me You wouldn't mind making that cutoff a bit earlier would you Goddie? I really don't think it should apply to me You wouldn't mind making that cutoff a bit earlier would you Goddie? I really don't think it should apply to me Cheers uhm Mmmm	Murray P (44)
262154	2004-08-16 06:45:00	And the 10 best things about Alzheimers? 1. Meeting new and interesting people every day; 2. Hiding your own Easter eggs; 6. Wrapping your own presents, and 9. Meeting new and interesting people every day.	andrew93 (249)
262155	2004-08-16 06:51:00	Appropo of nothing, here's one I like: Horseback riding A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become tangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when....................................the Pak'n'Sav manager runs out to shut the horse off. :D :D	Winston001 (3612)
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