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Thread ID: 48437	2004-08-23 01:09:00	OT: Monday Laughs. Humour-only zone please!	Billy T (70)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
264446	2004-08-23 01:09:00	Animal lovers: Did you ever wonder where pets came from? A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer!!! Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day . Now we do not see you any more . We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us . " And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me . Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves . " And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve . And it was a good animal . And God was pleased . And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail . And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal . " And God said, "No problem . Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG . " And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them . And they were comforted . And God was pleased . And Dog was content and wagged his tail . After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride . They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration . Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well . " And God said, "No problem! I will create for them another companion to be with them, one who will see them as they are . This companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration . " And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve . And Cat would not obey them . And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings . And Adam and Eve learned humility . And they were greatly improved . And God was pleased . And Dog was happy . And Cat didn't give a toss, one way or the other . Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
264447	2004-08-23 01:49:00	"Bullseye" One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?" "Nothing to it," said the guy. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."	nzStan (440)
264448	2004-08-23 01:53:00	Bill Gates In 2050 A . D . Bill Gates died in a car accident . He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God . . . "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call . I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell . Heaven or Hell . After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows ME . I'm going to do something I've never done before . In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God . What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision . " "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you . " Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first . " So Bill went to Hell . It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters . There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about . The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect . Bill was very pleased . "This is great!" he told God . "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went . Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing . It was nice but not as enticing as Hell . Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision . "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God . "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire . " So Bill Gates went to Hell . Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell . When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave . He was being burned and tortured by demons . "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked . Bill responded -- his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected . I can't believe this happened . What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver . "	johnboy (217)
264449	2004-08-23 02:36:00	Here's one from the Darwin Awards site (www . darwinawards . com), even though it's more of an 'honourable mention' . It's long, but worth it . :D (Warning - do not try this at home!) Light Bulb Of Doom The place is a small regional centre town in Soviet Union . The time is early 1980s . A local conference of college teachers is in progress . A few dozens of teachers came into town for the event and a few of them were situated in the local hotel . The hotel is very poor, but so are the teachers and 3 of them take a single room . Since there is not much to do in a small town at night, certain amount of alcoholic beverages is obtained from a local store and consumed . During the conversation among the newly found friends one of the teachers (lets call him Dmitriy Petrovich) mentions that it is a medical fact, that it is impossible to take a light bulb out of one's mouth once it was inserted there . This meets active disbelief of his two opponents who start questioning him as to what kind of light bulb he means and how come you cannot take it out, if you can put it in . Dmitriy Petrovich replies, that he is talking about a standard 100 Watt light bulb such as the one lighting their room, but lacking medical education he doesn't know the reason for not being able to remove it . Discussion heats up, and at some point one of his opponents decides that an experiment is necessary . Mind you, that all of the teachers in the room are PhDs in various fields of exact science . Obviously not one of them is a medic . The light bulb is then removed and the most loud opponent (lets call him Vladimir) puts it into his mouth . In a few seconds it becomes clear that Dmitriy Petrovich was right, and it is quite impossible for Vladimir to remove the light bulb due to peculiar clenching of jaw muscles . After a short discussion the three friends decide to get Vladmir to a doctor . They get out of the hotel, and stop a cab . They drive to the hospital where they have to relate the story of the accident to the night nurse, who, after almost choking herself with giggles, calls the ER doctor . The doctor carefully examines Vladimir, and unexpectedly hits him with his fist in the back of the jaw . Vladimir's jaw falls open and the doctor returns the light bulb to Dmitriy Petrovich, explaining that Vladimir is not going to be able to use his mouth for a couple of hours due to the over-stressed jaw muscles . The three teachers get back into a cab and start driving home, when the third teacher starts complaining that the other two are playing him for a fool, that this is medically impossible for such phenomenon to exist and that he is about to prove it . He puts the light bulb into his mouth, the cab makes a U-turn and speeds back to the hospital . At the hospital, the nurse starts giggling when the three men enter the emergency room, and after hearing their new story falls of her chair laughing . After a little while she calls the surgeon, who chuckles, hits the 3rd teacher in the back of the jaw and removes the light bulb . The cab has left, so the three friends catch another one . Dmitriy Petrovich gets into the front seat and puts his mute friends with their jaws hanging open in the back . Cab driver is mildly surprised by the unusual company of an obviously drunk giggling man and two others looking like village idiots, and asks about it . Dmitriy Petrovich assures the driver that the other two are not idiots, but most educated people and the problem is their small argument about a light bulb . After carefully listening to the whole story the driver asks what kind of light bulb he is talking about, and Dmitriy shows the hotel light bulb saying "this one" . "Impossible" says the cab driver and in a few seconds the cab turns around and goes to the hospital . When the nurse sees these guys the 3rd time inside 2 hours, she starts having rather serious breathing difficulties trying to laugh much harder then mother nature designed . After getting her in shape Dmitriy Petrovich makes her call the surgeon who, promptly hitting the cab driver in the jaw takes the light bulb and smashes it on the table saying that this should put an end to the story . The four men get back into the cab and drive to the hotel . On the way they are stopped by the road patrol police unit . The policeman is very surprised to find that the only person able to speak in a car full of people is a rather drunk man who tells him a weird story about light bulbs . "I will be right back" replies the policeman, goes back to the road side station, Dmitriy and companions watch the light go off inside the station, and in a few seconds the policeman appears again . Using gestures he asks people on the back seat to move over . A metal end of a light bulb is sticking out of his mouth . The cab goes back to the hospital . The nurse becomes hysterical with joy . After a few minutes of recuperation she goes to the cabinet of the surgeon to call him . She opens the door and falls to the floor unconscious . In the doorway appears the surgeon with his jaw hanging wide open .	D. McG (3023)
264450	2004-08-23 04:59:00	Cat Lover's Rules 1. The cat is not allowed in the house. 2. OK, the cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms. 3. Ok, the cat is allowed in all rooms, but must stay off the furniture. 4. The cat can get on the old furniture only. 5. Fine, the cat is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed. 6. The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the covers or on the pillow. 7. OK, The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow by invitation only. 8. Well, ok, the cat can sleep under the covers every night and on the pillow too. 9. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat; only the cat can sleep on the pillow	Winston001 (3612)
264451	2004-08-23 05:18:00	> Here's one from the Darwin Awards site > (www.darwinawards.com), even though it's more of an > 'honourable mention'. It's long, but worth it. :D > > (Warning - do not try this at home!) > > Light Bulb Of Doom LOL! Nice one D. McG :)	stu120404 (268)
264452	2004-08-23 05:34:00	Confidence destroyed . . . . . . . . Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room . The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous . " The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about . I had that done when I was four . They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream! It's a breeze . " The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A Circumcision . " And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born . . . . . . . Couldn't walk for a year	Smithie 38 (1008)
264453	2004-08-23 05:42:00	Love it Winston. :^O We have a neighbour's cat that is up to No.4 so far, but not making any further headway since we steadfastly refuse to feed it, and water is supplied 10 metres from the front door. It does a very nice line in "I'm leaving in disgust" looks, but hearts are not melting. It tried piteous meowing at the front door for several nights as winter began, but it has a home to go to so that stopped too, just short of the bucket of water trick (luckily for the cat!). Cheers Billy 8-{) :D [b][pre]It's a very strange cat too, thinks it's a dog. Comes when it is called and actually leaves when requested!	Billy T (70)
264454	2004-08-23 06:12:00	Cheers Billy. Thought I might stay with the cat theme. I know GF and others will enjoy. Our cats have generally gone straight to No 9 :D	Winston001 (3612)
264455	2004-08-23 06:37:00	UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT! Listen up! Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Nelson Mail comes this story of a local couple who drove their car to the supermarket, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.	Scouse (83)
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