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Thread ID: 134691	2013-07-29 01:32:00	Monday Laughs... Tautologically assorted assortment of miscellaneous miscellany....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1350067	2013-07-29 01:32:00	. Questions that haunt me: * Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? * What disease did cured ham actually have? * How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? * Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? * Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? * Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? * Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway . . . * Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? * Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? * If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? * Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! * If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? * Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? * Why did you just try singing the two songs above? * Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? * Why, Why, Why! Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going flat? * Why do Banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? * Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? * Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection? * Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? * Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him? * Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? * If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? * Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? * Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised? * Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? * Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? * How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? * Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? * In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? * How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVOURITE . . . . . . . . . * The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness . Think of your three best friends -- if they seem okay, then it's you . :xmouth: ********************************* Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says: "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents . " They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true . The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini . In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please . " The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other . They can't believe their good luck . They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round . Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40cents, please . " They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them . They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet . Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar . Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place . Every drink costs a dime . Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same . " "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says . As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there . Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?" The Bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-priced, plus they all have coupons . . . " ********************************* Proofreading is a Dying Art (actually, it's a DEAD art!) Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says . Really? Ya think? ------------------------------ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! ------------------------------ Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over . . . . What a guy! ------------------------------ Miners Refuse to Work after Death! Good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so's! ------------------------------ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant . Let's see if that works any better than a fair trial! ------------------------------ War Dims Hope for Peace . I can see where it might have that effect! ------------------------------ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile . Ya think?! ------------------------------ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures . Really . . . ?! ------------------------------ Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! ------------------------------ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges . You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? ------------------------------ Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge . He probably IS the battery charge! ------------------------------ New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group . Weren't the last lot fat enough?! ------------------------------ Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft . That's what he gets for eating those beans! ------------------------------ Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? ------------------------------- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half . Chainsaw Massacre all over again! ------------------------------ Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors . Boy, are they tall! ------------------------------ And the winner is . . . . Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right? ************************************** Theater Seats For Seniors An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater . When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat . " The old man just groaned but didn't budge . The usher became more impatient . "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the Manager . " Once again, the old man just groaned . The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the Manager . Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success . Finally they summoned the police . The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" "Frank McGregor" the old man moaned . "Where ya from, Frank," asked the police officer? With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Frank replied, "The balcony . " ********************************* Modern Definitions: 1 . THINGY (thing-ee) n . Female . . . . . . Any part under a car's hood . Male . . . . . The strap fastener on a woman's bra . 2 . VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj . Female . . . . Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another . Male . . . . Playing football without a cup . 3 . COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-k ay-shon) n . Female . . . The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner . Male . . . Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys . 4 . COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n . Female . . . . A desire to get married and raise a family . Male . . . . . . Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one . 5 . ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n . Female . . . A good movie, concert, play or book . Male . . . . . . Anything that can be done while drinking beer . 6 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n . Female . . . . . . The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve . Male . . Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it . 7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n . Female . . . . A device for changing from one TV channel to another . Male . . . A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes .	Billy T (70)
1350068	2013-07-30 01:05:00	Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.... What a guy! *** I love this one! Thanks Billy!	lordnoddy (3645)
1350069	2013-07-31 06:09:00	The definitions are classic, Billy! Good stuff.	WalOne (4202)
1350070	2013-08-01 01:38:00	Mind boggling - great stuff.	Bobh (5192)
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