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Thread ID: 134628	2013-07-22 00:14:00	Monday Laughs.....Mostly, but not all, about Marital Matters, Making Men Miserable...	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1349535	2013-07-22 00:14:00	. . The Happy Life? Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: - No Christmas - No television -No nude women - No football - No pork chops - No hot dogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels for hats - Constant wailing from some guy in a tower - More than one wife - More than one mother in law - You can't shave - Your wife can't shave - You can't wash off the smell of donkey - You cook over burning camel dung - Your wife is picked for you by someone else - and she smells worse than your donkey - Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?? Well no **** Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse! ********************************* A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter, and they planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic work committments, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hote, and when he got to his room he found that it had a computer so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends, but after reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: March 21, 2012 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. They have everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow and I am so looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!! ********************************* You know you can't win, so don't bother trying.......... A man arrived home from work at six o'clock to find it had not been one of his wife's better days. Nothing he said or did was right. Around seven o'clock, he suggested that he go outside, pretend to have just arrived home from work, so that they can start their evening all over again. His wife agreed, so he went outside, returned with a big smile, and announced, "Hi honey, I'm home!" "And exactly where the hell have you been? It's after seven o'clock!" ********************************* Things You Learn From Marriage During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness, and many other qualities you would never have needed if you'd stayed single in the first place." ********************************* A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery - Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the mortician used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" ********************************* Lipstick in School (You've got to love this Headmistress) According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the precious little Princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers............and then there are educators. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1349536	2013-07-22 01:38:00	Love the last one - cheers Billy!!!	lordnoddy (3645)
1349537	2013-07-22 01:50:00	Fantastic stuff! Yeah my wife is a bit like the 7 o'clock one some days :p	Chilling_Silence (9)
1349538	2013-07-25 02:25:00	Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."	Roscoe (6288)
1349539	2013-07-25 03:09:00	Sorry terrible joke - but still gave me a chuckle. *** An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old lady got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy.	lordnoddy (3645)
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