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Thread ID: 134742	2013-08-05 01:31:00	Monday Laughs... Scotsmen, A Parable, Haunting Questions, & Superman has sex....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1350624	2013-08-05 01:31:00	. THE KIND HEARTED SCOTSMAN!! (I think I actually know this person) My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night . "Did you smell that food?" she asked . "Incredible!" Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!" So we walked past it again . ********************************* A PARABLE FOR TODAY One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well . The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do . Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth the effort to retrieve the donkey . He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him . They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well . At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly . Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down . A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well . He was astonished at what he saw . With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing . He would shake it off and take a step up . As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up . Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt . The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up . Each of our troubles is a steppingstone . We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up . Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - Forgive . Free your mind from worries - Most never happen . Live simply and appreciate what you have . Give more . Expect less . NOW . . . . . . . . . . . . Enough of that crap The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him . The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock . MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you . ********************************* True Friendship . . . . . . SCOTTISH STYLE!! (None of that Sissy shite) Are ye tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship . . . You will see no cute wee smiley faces on this card, just the stone cold truth of a great friendship: 1 . . . When ye are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who did it to ye . 2 . . . When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye . 3 . . . When ye smile -- I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be sharin' wit ye! 4 . . . When ye are scared -- I will shake the piss out of ye every chance I get, until ye are NOT . 5 . . . When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP YER WHINING! 6 . . . When yer confused -- I will try to use only wee words . 7 . . . When ye are sick -- Stay the fook away from me until ye are well again . . I don't want whatever ye've got . 8 . . . When ye fall -- I will laugh my effin head off at your clumsy arse, . . . . . . . but I'll help you up . 9 . . . This is my oath . . . . I pledge it to the end . 'Why?' ye may ask; Because ye are my friend . Friendship is like pissin' in yer pants, everyone can see it, but only ye can feel the true warmth . . . . Send this to ten o' yer closest friends, Then git depressed because ye can only think of four . ********************************* Questions that haunt me Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck for eternity wearing the clothes you were buried in? If you were cremated, does God clone you from your ashes, or does he take 'dust to dust, ashes to ashes' literally and scatter you in the garden of Eden? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway . . . Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do Banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money in there? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars in the sky, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised? Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE . . . . . . . . . The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness . Think of your three best friends -- and if they're okay, then it's you . ********************************* Modern Definitions: 1 . THINGY (thing-ee) n . Female . . . . . . Any part under a car's hood . Male . . . . . The strap fastener on a woman's bra . 2 . VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj . Female . . . . Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another . Male . . . . Playing football without a cup . 3 . COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-k ay-shon) n . Female . . . The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner . Male . . . Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys . 4 . COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n . Female . . . . A desire to get married and raise a family . Male . . . . . . Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one . 5 . ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n . Female . . . A good movie, concert, play or book . Male . . . . . . Anything that can be done while drinking beer . 6 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n . Female . . . . . . The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve . Male . . Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it . 7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n . Female . . . . A device for changing from one TV channel to another . Male . . . A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes . ********************************* Superman was bored with fighting crime every day, so one Friday night he decided to go out on the town to have some fun . He drops by Batman's house and calls out: . "Hey Batman! "Wanna go out tonight?" "Sorry" says Batman, "I can't, the Batmobile is broken and I gotta stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime . " "You loser," says Superman, and then flies away . He decides to stop by Spiderman's house . "Hey there Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he says . "I'd love to but I can't," replies Spiderman . "My web is broken and I gotta fix it to fight crime . " Superman all disgusted, says "You loser . Stay at home on a Friday night and fix your damn web . " and he flies away . While flying, from up above he spots Wonder Woman stark naked and lying down on her back spread-eagled in a quiet wooded glade . Superman thinks, "Hey, I am Superman, I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and back out . She won't even feel it . " So he zooms down, does the deed in the blink of an eye then flies off again at the speed of light . "What the hell was that?" muses Wonder Woman . "I don't know," said The Invisible Man, "but it hurt like hell . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1350625	2013-08-05 03:15:00	Loved the superman one!	kingdragonfly (309)
1350626	2013-08-05 07:51:00	Loved the superman one! :+1:	WalOne (4202)
1350627	2013-08-05 09:00:00	A man walks into the chemist and says can I have a packet of condoms please, the assistant says sorry we've sold out you will have to try BOOTS, the man replies i want to shag her to death not kick her to death. __________________ Bob pulls up at the lights next to a lovely young blonde girl, he smiles and lowers his window. She smiles back and lowers her window, so Bob leans across and says ... "Have you just farted as well ?!!!"	tutaenui (1724)
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