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Thread ID: 134784	2013-08-12 06:36:00	Monday Laughs.......Accidents, Priests and Blondes etc..................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1351093	2013-08-12 06:36:00	. A very successful Attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and with his lights flashing, he pulled up behind the Lexus. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the Attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realise that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!" "OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the Attorney, my Rolex !!" ********************************* Theatre Seats For Seniors An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the Manager." Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the Manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" "Frank McKenzie" the old man moaned. "Where ya from, Frank," asked the police officer? With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Frank replied, "the balcony." ********************************* As an old Aussie priest lay dying, he sent a message for his Australian Tax Office Agent and his Lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room, and as they entered, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything, both the Australian Tax Office Agent and the Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly: "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go." ********************************* Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair, I lost the bet so here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news... so I knew he'd jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money... ********************************* A Mum had three daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because they had lived a very sheltered life and had not been allowed to spend even one night alone with their respective fiances before their weddings, Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started so she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how their first experience of sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe' Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop.' Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'. Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size.' She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing... Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand.' Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found an ad for Air NZ. The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways' Mum fainted! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1351094	2013-08-12 07:25:00	Poor Mum. :D	Bobh (5192)
1351095	2013-08-12 07:59:00	The Aussie Priest, the Taxman, the Lawyer ... the makings of a classic - and good - joke. And it was! :thumbs:	WalOne (4202)
1351096	2013-08-12 23:08:00	Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful ***** on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite Visa Card, and I want to make love to her three times a day." The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . . " And you, Nancy?" "I wanna be Little Billy's *****!"	SKT174 (1319)
1351097	2013-08-13 11:06:00	Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful ***** on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite Visa Card, and I want to make love to her three times a day." The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . . " And you, Nancy?" "I wanna be Little Billy's *****!" Jeez you guys, don't blow my cover, Mrs T would kill me if big Nancy turned up on our doorstep............ Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
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