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Thread ID: 134825 2013-08-19 00:53:00 Monday Laughs.......Fred and Marion, Naval retirement and other old oddities....... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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1351567 2013-08-19 00:53:00 .

Fred and Marion, my elderly neighbours were a curious couple. You wouldn't hear boo from them for weeks then there'd be a raging argument, mostly about his lack of attention to her. She reckoned all he could do was sit in front of the TV and drink beer, or so we overheard!

Marion was a keen bowler so he got some respite when she was out, but one day I noticed that on bowling days, as soon as she was picked up, Fred would forsake his beer and TV, and disappear into his garage.

At first there were mostly wood-working noise from saws and sanders etc, but later there were lots of flashes and bangs and my lights kept flickering, so one day when it was particularly bad I wandered over to see what he was doing.

"So, Fred," I said, "what are you up to out here?"

"My wife says I am useless!" he said, "and she reckoned I couldn't do anything useful to save my life, so I have built her an electric chair."

"I'm just finishing testing it, then I'm going to surprise her with it on her birthday!"

*********************************


The Navy decides to offer early-retirement bonuses to its personnel. The rule is that a volunteer nominates two body parts and gets $1,000 for every inch in between.

One officer asks to be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He is 6 feet 4 inches tall and so gets $76,000. A second, smarter, officer asks to be measured from the tip of his raised hand to his toes. He gets $96,000.

The third officer is a grizzled old Captain.

"Measure me from the tip of my penis to my testicles", he demands.

The medical officer in charge is a bit surprised and explains that this might not be very profitable, but the Captain insists so he gets ready with his tape measure.

The Captain drops his trousers, and the medical officer places the tape measure on the tip of his penis and begins to work back, then he gasps. "My God! Where are your testicles?"

"Vietnam." replies the Captain.

*********************************


THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of just telling me it is not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then twice every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

“How long will this take?” I asked.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts twice a day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says, ”Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably have to take his meals through a straw for the rest of his days.

Stupid, stupid man.

*********************************


A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realises that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the Chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the Chief, "This is a tree."

The Chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree" and the Priest is pleased with this response.

They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the Chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The Chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the Chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The Chief replied, "My bike."

*********************************


I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement and new knees.

I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind, and can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine.

I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, and I've lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

*********************************


The nice thing about being senile is that you can hide your own Easter eggs, then have fun finding them.


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
1351568 2013-08-19 01:02:00 Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, Oh my God..."


and one for the farmers

Police in Bulls have confirmed a man has been arrested after falling into a combine harvester while trying to steal it.
He is due to be bailed tomorrow. 		tutaenui (1724)
1351569 2013-08-19 02:08:00 Woop! Monday laughs - Always a great feeling for a Monday - especially after my fortnight off work and being my first day back.

Thanks Billy! 		lordnoddy (3645)
1351570 2013-08-19 02:24:00 Here's some of my own :)
***
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to
sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
***
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a
beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve
beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the
jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt
pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,
and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."
***
Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of
golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the
second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for
me?".
The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to
his buddy and says, "Did you see it?".
"Sure!", says his buddy.
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."
***
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and
knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and
he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices.
He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an
equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-
turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know
how to get to Des Moines either."
***
A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the
usher. "Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked.

"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother." 		lordnoddy (3645)
1351571 2013-08-22 02:46:00 I'm sure we can all relate to this one...
***
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) I almost died laughing at this one
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way. 		lordnoddy (3645)
1351572 2013-08-22 05:05:00 #20 needs to be real. Agent_24 (57)
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