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Thread ID: 49203	2004-09-12 23:25:00	OT: Monday Laughs. US Politics	Billy T (70)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
271721	2004-09-12 23:25:00	How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans, and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by considering the following situation: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children . Suddenly, a guy with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams, raises the knife, and charges . You are carrying a Glock . 40, and you are an expert shot . You have just three seconds before he reaches you and your family . What do you do? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 911? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior . This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus . ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Republican's Answer: BANG! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! CLICK (sound of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! CLICK Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver? Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
271722	2004-09-12 23:56:00	Tie balloons to your car & freak out motorists as you drive down the motorway pic (sal.neoburn.net)	CYaBro (73)
271723	2004-09-12 23:59:00	:^O :^O Nive one CYaBro	mark c (247)
271724	2004-09-13 00:58:00	Here's a selection of quotes from George Bush, found on about . com's Bushisms page: "I hope you leave here and walk out and say, 'What did he say?'" —George W . Bush, Beaverton, Oregon, Aug . 13, 2004 "Let me put it to you bluntly . In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life . " —George W . Bush, Annandale, Va, Aug . 9, 2004 "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we . They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we . " —George W . Bush, Washington, D . C . , Aug . 5, 2004 "I wish I wasn't the war president . Who in the heck wants to be a war president? I don't . " —George W . Bush, Washington, D . C . , Aug . 6, 2004 "And I am an optimistic person . I guess if you want to try to find something to be pessimistic about, you can find it, no matter how hard you look, you know?" —George W . Bush, Washington, D . C . , June 15, 2004 "God loves you, and I love you . And you can count on both of us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear . " —George W . Bush, Los Angeles, Calif . , March 3, 2004 "The recession started upon my arrival . It could have been — some say February, some say March, some speculate maybe earlier it started — but nevertheless, it happened as we showed up here . The attacks on our country affected our economy . Corporate scandals affected the confidence of people and therefore affected the economy . My decision on Iraq, this kind of march to war, affected the economy . " —George W . Bush, Meet the Press, Feb . 8, 2004 "Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling . " —George W . Bush, Washington, D . C . , Jan . 23, 2004 "[A]s you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say . " —George W . Bush, Washington, D . C . , Oct . 28, 2003 "The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the — the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world . And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice . " —George W . Bush, Washington, D . C . , Oct . 27, 2003 "See, free nations are peaceful nations . Free nations don't attack each other . Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction . " —George W . Bush, Milwaukee, Wis . , Oct . 3, 2003 "We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mom or a dad . " —George W . Bush, Jacksonville, Florida, Sept . 9, 2003 "My answer is bring them on . "—On Iraqi militants attacking U . S . forces, George W . Bush, Washington, D . C . , July 3, 2003 "I'm the master of low expectations . " —George W . Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003 "I'm also not very analytical . You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things . " —George W . Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003 "You're free . And freedom is beautiful . And, you know, it'll take time to restore chaos and order — order out of chaos . But we will . " —George W . Bush, Washington, D . C . , April 13, 2003 "When Iraq is liberated, you will be treated, tried and persecuted as a war criminal . " —George W . Bush, Washington, D . C . , Jan . 22, 2003 "I think the American people — I hope the American — I don't think, let me — I hope the American people trust me . " —George W . Bush, Washington, D . C . , Dec . 18, 2002 "I know something about being a government . And you've got a good one . " —George W . Bush, campaigning for Gov . Mike Huckabee, Bentonville, Ark . , Nov . 4, 2002 "I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will . " —George W . Bush, speaking about Saddam Hussein, Manchester, N . H . , Oct . 5, 2002 "People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you . " —George W . Bush, Washington, D . C . , Sept . 19, 2002 "I'm thrilled to be here in the bread basket of America because it gives me a chance to remind our fellow citizens that we have an advantage here in America — we can feed ourselves . " —George W . Bush, Stockton, Calif . , Aug . 23, 2002 "There may be some tough times here in America . But this country has gone through tough times before, and we're going to do it again . " —George W . Bush, Waco, Texas, Aug . 13, 2002 "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber . " —George W . Bush, Washington, D . C . , April 10, 2002 "And so, in my State of the — my State of the Union — or state — my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation — I asked Americans to give 4,000 years — 4,000 hours over the next — the rest of your life — of service to America . That's what I asked — 4,000 hours . " —George W . Bush, Bridgeport, Conn . , April 9, 2002 . . . and last, but not least: "The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur . " —George W . Bush, discussing the decline of the French economy with British Prime Minister Tony Blair	D. McG (3023)
271725	2004-09-13 02:05:00	Sorry not Politics but is from the US Actual Ads from The New York Times: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER . 8 YEARS OLD . HATEFUL LITTLE DOG . BITES . ---------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG . ----------------------------- FREE PUPPIES . . . PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG . ------------------------------ GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs . NEUTERED . SPEAKS GERMAN . FREE . ------------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG . LOOKS LIKE A RAT . . . BEEN OUT AWHILE . . . BETTER BE A REWARD . --------------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE . . . ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS . ------------------------------- COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED . . ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE . ------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY . ------------------------------------- HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" ---------------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb . ------------------------------------------ NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE . ----------------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300 . ------------------------------------------- OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON . FREE COFFEE & DONUTS . ------------------------------------------- FOR SALE: ONE MAN SIX WOMAN HOT TUB ------------------------------------------ (AND THE BEST ONE) . . . FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica ? No longer needed . Got married last month . Wife knows everything .	tutaenui (1724)
271726	2004-09-13 04:27:00	"Wading Across the River" Bill Clinton, John Kerry and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water." The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw John Kerry almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know John Kerry and he has sinned much, much more than that!" Before the Archangel Michael could reply, John Kerry shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"	nzStan (440)
271727	2004-09-13 04:37:00	Not politics, but next-of-kin so to speak . The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals . The President decides to give them a test . He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it . The CIA goes in . They place animal informants throughout the forest . They question all plant and mineral witnesses . After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist . Then the FBI goes in . After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies . The rabbit had it coming . Then the LAPD goes in . They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon . The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" Marg .	pulling hair out (4493)
271728	2004-09-13 06:23:00	"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the Bull-Bar at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out." The manager says "Ok, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him" 5 min later... The farm hand calls back. "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on". Now what's the 'stupid' problem?" raged the manager. "Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch".	Johnzz (5257)
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