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Thread ID: 49462	2004-09-20 00:20:00	OT: Monday Laughs. Philosophical musings on the virtues of drinking......	Billy T (70)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
274016	2004-09-20 00:20:00	"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed . Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered . Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver . " Jack Handy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink . When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day . " Frank Sinatra ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading . " Henny Youngman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not . " Stephen Wright ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk . When we get drunk, we fall asleep . When we fall asleep, we commit no sin . When we commit no sin, we go to heaven . Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" Brian O'Rourke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy . " Benjamin Franklin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer . Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza . " Dave Barry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Remember, 'I' before 'E', except in Budweiser . " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin of the hit TV series "Cheers" . One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm . Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo . And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first . This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members . In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells . Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells . But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first . In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine . ! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers . " Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
274017	2004-09-20 06:34:00	It could only be an Australian After having their 11th child, an Australian couple decided that was enough . So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children . The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive . A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10 . The Australian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me . " "Trust me," said the doctor . So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can . He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand . In the news . . . Appealing his prison-escape conviction before the Iowa Supreme Court, a convict said that he was just trying to escape the prison's "drug-filled environment . " A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed . "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain . "Yes," replied the murderer . "Will you hold my hand?" Jonesy The Great Lion Hunter A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion . So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesy, to come and kill the beast . For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared . Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide . Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion . In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture . As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain . There was no sign of the lion . "What happened, Jonesy? Where is the lion?" asked the chief . "Forget the damn lion!" he howled . "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?" Oops . . . A Phone Call A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend . They "entertain themselves" for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings . Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver . Her lover watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the conversation . Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called . Really? That's wonderful . I am so happy for you . That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks . Okay . Bye bye . " She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband . He was telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you . " What's in a race? A Jew and a Chinaman are drinking at a bar, when all of a sudden the Jew hauls off and slugs the Chinaman in the face The Chinaman rubs his jaw and says, "What the hell was that for?" "Pearl Harbour," replies the Jew . "Pearl Harbour?" yells the Chinaman . "The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbour, you idiot! Not the Chinese!" "Japanese . Chinese . What's the difference? You all look the same to me . "The two men continue drinking in silence for a while, when out of nowhere, the Chinaman hauls of and slugs the Jew in the face . "What the hell was that for?" screams the Jew . "The Titanic," replies the Chinaman "The Titanic? How in hell could I be responsible for that? The Titanic sunk when it hit a damn iceberg!" "Iceberg . Goldberg . What's the difference?" Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master . --Sue Lin Chong, Washington His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a drier without Cling Free . --Chuck Smith, Woodbridge He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it . --Joseph Romm, Washington She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again . --Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't . --Russell Beland, Springfield McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup . --Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring From the attic came an unearthly howl . The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00p . m . instead of 7:30p . m . --Roy Ashley, Washington Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze . --Chuck Smith, Woodbridge Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre . --Russell Beland, Springfield Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw . quid55328 . com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw . quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake . --Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever . --Unknown He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree . --Jack Bross, Chevy Chase The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease . --Gary F . Hevel, Silver Spring Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm, travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm, at a speed of 35 mph . --Jennifer Hart, Arlington The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr . on a Dr Pepper can . --Wayne Goode, Madison, AL They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth . --Paul Kocak, Syracuse NY John and Mary had never met . They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met . --Russell Beland, Springfield The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play . --Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red Crayola crayon . -- Unknown He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River . --Brian Broadus, Charlottesville Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut . -- Sandra Hull, Arlington The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during theinterview portion of Jeopardy! --Jean Sorensen, Herndon Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do . --Jerry Pannullo, Kensington The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil . But unlike Phil, this plan just might work . --Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while . --Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night . --Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg He was as lame as a duck . Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame . Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something . --John Kammer, Herndon Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter . --Barbara Collier, Garrett Park She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up . --Susan Reese, Arlington It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before . --Marian! Carlsson, Lexington The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep . Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex . ) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep . Henry Hyde (R-Ill . ) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton . --J . F . Knowles, Springfield The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant . --Jennifer Hart, Arlington The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM . --Paul J . Kocak, Syracuse The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium . --Unknown It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools . --Brian Broadus, Charlottesville He was deeply in love . When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up . --Susan Reese, Arlington She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword . --Tom Witte, Gaithersburg Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any PH cleanser . --Chuck Smith, Woodbridge She grew on him like she was a colony of E . coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef . --Brian Broadus, Charlottesville She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs . --Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened . --Sue Lin Chong, Washington It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall . --Brian Broadus, Charlottesville	Davesdad (923)
274018	2004-09-21 03:34:00	Did you notice anything odd about the inspection teams who went to Iraq? They were all men! How in the name of the United Nations did anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things . For crying out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper . Men can't find the bottle of ketchup until it falls out of the fridge and splatters on their feet - and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in . Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope . Mothers can find gin bottles that Dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters . They can spot a single blond hair on a black sock in the hamper . They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away . They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake . A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away . By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes . And if a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective . So . . . Considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why did we sending a bunch of old men who relied on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats? My mother would have walked in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grabbed Saddam by the ear, given it a good twist and snapped, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he'd tried to lie to her . She'd have marched him down the street to some secret bunker and shoved his nose into a nuclear bomb and said, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd have laid some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then marched him home in front of the whole of Baghdad . He'd not only have come clean and apologised for lying about it; he'd have cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer . Inspectors my ass . . . You want an inspection job done? Call my mother . Spence (My mother told me to post this, I didn't dare say no . )	Spencer (5624)
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