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Thread ID: 134962	2013-09-09 03:48:00	Monday Laughs....A stroll through the archives, with a slightly Irish trend...	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1353014	2013-09-09 03:48:00	. Jokes from YesterPF1year Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this: A dentist noticed that his next patient was very nervous . She was an elderly woman, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves . 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked . 'No, I don't,' she replied . 'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a Factory in Canada with big tanks of latex, and workers of each hand size walk up to their tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into their box size . ' She didn't crack a smile . 'Oh, well . I tried,' he thought . But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing . 'What's so funny?' he asked . 'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!' (Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!) ********************************* Recently a routine Police patrol drove into a Pub parking lot, a short while before closing time, then a few minutes later the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk . The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing . After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, opened the door and fell into the driver's seat . He lolled there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off, then finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights . He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left . At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road . The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his Patrol Car, put on the flashing lights, caught up with the car and pulled the man over for a random breathalyser test . To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication . The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be out of order . " "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight was my turn to be the designated decoy, and I haven't touched a drink all night" . ********************************* An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods . Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back unconscious, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him . Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him . "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked . "Oh, I see . Well, ye got me fair and square . Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief . "I don't want anything . I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise . I really didn't mean to hit you . " And the golfer walks off . "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself . "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him so I'll give him the three things I would want . A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life . " A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back . On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him . "T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says . "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers . "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now," he adds . "By the way, it's good to see you're all right . " "Oh, I'm fine now, thankee . I did that fer yer golf game, you know . And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states . "I win fortunes in golf . If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also" says the Leprechaun, "and tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK . " "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job . "How many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "once, sometimes twice a week . " "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock . "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well, says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish . " ********************************* A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman . " The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped . " The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in . You're not to see that woman again . For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box . " The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box . He paused for a moment and then started to leave The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that . You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in . " ********************************* Dear God: A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened . Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100 . When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush . The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 . 00 bill . President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy . The little boy was delighted with the $5 . 00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D . C . and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95 . 00 . ********************************* Irish Logic Smitty left Belfast and moved to Toronto and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100 . The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day . The following day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm sorry, but I have bad news - the donkey died last night . " "Well den," said Smitty, "Jus` give my money back den . " "I can't do that sir, I spent it already . " "O . K . den . Jus' unload dat dead donkey . " "What are you gonna do with him?" " I'm gonna raffle him off . " "You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Irish git!" "Well dat's where you're wrong . You wait and you'll learn how smart we Irish people are!" A month later, the farmer ran into Smitty, and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "I raffled dat donkey off . I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made $998 . " "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just dat guy who won . So I gave him his two dollars back . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
1353015	2013-09-09 04:24:00	Haha loved the dead donkey one! Here's my contribution :) *** A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says: "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems." "What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless." "Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs." "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless." "And it hasn't got any arms either." "What?" "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear." The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her son. "Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?" "There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf." *** (an oldie but a goodie) A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following; "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more." "You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." *** Enjoy :)	lordnoddy (3645)
1353016	2013-09-09 09:06:00	Arthur is 81 years old. He has played golf every day since his retirement 16 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it" he tells his wife "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she makes a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 93 years old. He can't help." "He may be a ninety three" says the wife "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "Can't remember."	tutaenui (1724)
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