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Thread ID: 49882	2004-10-03 22:47:00	OT: Monday Laughs.	Billy T (70)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
278034	2004-10-05 08:13:00	Not that weird, Susan I laughed also.	Laura (43)
278035	2004-10-05 08:29:00	Kiwi on his big O.E. decides to go for a swim in the Baltic sea, he sees a Rabbi standing on the beach and to make conversation he asks the Rabbi "how's the water" The Rabbi replies "Luke warm" so the intrepid Kiwi dives in only to shoot out of the water immediately "I thought you said the water was warm, its bloody freezing" he berated the Rabbi who replied "Luke varm to me"	tutaenui (1724)
278036	2004-10-05 08:34:00	MEDICAL MATTERS: An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time . A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots . Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor . The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results . The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you . You've contracted Mongolian VD . It's very rare and almost unheard of here . We know very little about it . " The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc" The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure . We're going to have to amputate your penis" . The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion" . The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice . Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice" . The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease . The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD . Vely lare disease" . The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do?My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to cut, cut,cut, Make more money, that way . No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies . "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait twoweeks . Dick fall off by itself! You save money .	Baldy (26)
278037	2004-10-05 09:49:00	There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990's . For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack . After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and client/server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect . He'd become a private consultant, specializing in Year 2000 conversions . He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments . He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it . Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack . He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the year 2000 . It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent . He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it . Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics . He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15, 2000 . This was a very expensive process and totally automated . He was thrilled . The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000, after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles, after the leap day . Nothing else to worry about, except getting on with his life . He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum and that was that . The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room, filled with excited people . They were all shouting, "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle!" and "He's alive!" . There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie . Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward . Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm . "Is it over?", he asked . "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant . It was actually 8000 years later, not the year 2000 . But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited, someone important wanted to speak to him . Suddenly, a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates . This man was Prime Minister of Earth . He told Jack not to be upset . That this was a wonderful time to be alive . That there was world peace and no more starvation . That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars . That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet or to watch any entertainment or to hear any music recorded anywhere . "That sounds terrific," said Jack . "But I'm curious . Why is everybody so interested in me?" "Well," said the Prime Minister . "The year 10000 is just around the corner and it says in your files that you know COBOL . "	agent_24 (4330)
278038	2004-10-05 10:48:00	Hot damn aye, cobol, :^O	alphazulusixeightniner (185)
278039	2004-10-06 03:38:00	Three Americans and three Egyptian engineers are travelling by train to a conference . At the station, the three American each buy tickets and watch as the three Egyptians buy only a single ticket . "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of the three American . "Watch and you will see", answers one of the Egyptians . They all board the train . The Americans take their respective seats, but all three Egyptians cram into the toilet and close the door behind them . Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets . He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please" . The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand . The conductor takes it and moves on . The American saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea . So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Egyptians on the return trip and save some money . When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip . To their astonishment, the Egyptians don't buy a ticket at all . "How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed American . "Watch and you will see", says one of the Egyptians . When they board the train the three American cram into a toilet and the three Egyptians cram into another one nearby . The train departs . Shortly afterward, one of the Egyptians leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding . He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please . "	MartynC (5610)
278040	2004-10-06 09:42:00	BLONDE TAKES BUS A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"	MartynC (5610)
278041	2004-10-06 22:28:00	Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. "The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry...How soon can I go home?"	MartynC (5610)
278042	2004-10-07 01:12:00	A blind man enters a Ladies-Only Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things: 1 - The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 - The woman to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
278043	2004-10-07 23:58:00	THE BEST IRISH JOKE SO FAR THIS YEAR John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night . " She said, "Aye, did ye now . And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife . " "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said . The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner . The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary . " She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself . You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years . Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come . "	Smithie 38 (1008)
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