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Thread ID: 49882	2004-10-03 22:47:00	OT: Monday Laughs.	Billy T (70)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
278024	2004-10-03 22:47:00	The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years . Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies . Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades . One day, they went on one of their very rare vacations, but their good health didn't help them when their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven . They reached the pearly gates, and St . Peter escorted them inside . He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath . A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet . They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven . This will be your home now . " The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost . "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven . " The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth . "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man . "This is heaven," St . Peter replied . "You can play for free, every day . " Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages . "Don't even ask," said St . Peter to the man . "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy . " The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife . "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked . "That's the best part," St . Peter replied . "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick . This IS Heaven!" The old man was not convinced and pushed harder, "No gym to work-out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer . "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or . . . " Never again . All you have to do here is enjoy yourself . " The old man glared at his wife and said: "You and your damned bran muffins . I could have been here ten years ago!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
278025	2004-10-03 22:57:00	Thanks Billy - Now Im glad I did get outa bed this mornin' :-)	Chilling_Silence (9)
278026	2004-10-04 00:03:00	This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the OlympicVillage . Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement . After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion . The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light . His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her . She's really pleased to have met this guy . At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed . He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp . Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla . Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance . The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter . Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion ! After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid . Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN . The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before . In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but shesure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself . Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headedAussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid . She braces herself for some sortof medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola . Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Aussie Aussie Aussie - Oi Oi Oi	Smithie 38 (1008)
278027	2004-10-04 01:16:00	The results of the IQ tests are back :- (Aussie Aussie Aussie - Oi Oi Oi) Aussie 1 - - - 0 intellect Aussie 2 - - - 0 intellect Aussie 3 - - - 0 intellect	R2x1 (4628)
278028	2004-10-04 04:59:00	:^O :^O Excellent!	alphazulusixeightniner (185)
278029	2004-10-04 06:41:00	westy chick visits wins. case manager.i see you have ten children,and you have named them all johny.westy chick.yes.case manager.that must get a bit confusing.westy chick no not at all at dinner time when they are all playing outside i just call out johny and they all come running in.case manager.yes but what if you want to talk to a child individually that must get confusing.westy chick no then i just call them by there sir names.	ferrite (4221)
278030	2004-10-04 08:04:00	A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking brassed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"	andrew93 (249)
278031	2004-10-04 09:28:00	The Mailman One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I." The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?" Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, " your name was guessed four or five times."	johnboy (217)
278032	2004-10-05 02:18:00	George W Bush orders formation of Elite Special Forces group. The Pentagon announced today the formation of an elite fighting group called the U.S.R.S.F. (US Redneck Special Forces). These good'ol Tennessee boys: Billybob, Tommyjoe, Zude, Hoss, Cooter, and Beau will be dropped behind enemy lines with the following information about the Iraqi terrorists: 1. The season opened last weekend. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken 4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The war should be over in a week. Spence	Spencer (5624)
278033	2004-10-05 02:42:00	A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something . The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window . For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again . You scared the daylights out of me . " The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all . Today is my first day driving a cab . I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years . " Do I have a weird sense of humour? HWMO only smiled at this one but I crack up everytime I read it . :D	Susan B (19)
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