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Thread ID: 135028	2013-09-16 00:44:00	Monday Laughs....Another stroll through the archives, with an advisory bent...	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1353626	2013-09-16 00:44:00	. A Short Course in Life Sciences ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE MATHEMATICS Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATHEMATICS A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs . A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need . GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband . A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife . A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend . A successful woman is one who can find such a man . PHILOSOPHY: HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little . To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all . MEDICINE: LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die . PSYCHOLOGY: DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument . Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument . PSYCHOLOGY: PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't . A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does . ********************************* The Psychiatric Hotline (Answer phone message) Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline . If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly . If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 . If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6 . If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so just stay on the line and we will trace your call . If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press . If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press - no one will answer anyway . ********************************* Military Advice! "AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY . " -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR . GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND . " -US Marine Corps "CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE . THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND . " -U . S . A . F . Ammo Troop . "IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU . " -Infantry Journal "A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M2! 03 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT . THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT . " -Army's magazine of prevention maintenance . "IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED . " -US . Air Force manual "TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO . " -Infantry Journal "TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS . " -U . S . Army Ordnance "FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS . " -Infantry Journal "BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID . " -David Hackworth "IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH . " -Infantry Journal "NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION . " -Unknown Commander "ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER . . . ONCE . " -Anon "NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO . " -Unknown Marine Recruit "DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU . " -Infantry Journal "IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM . " -U . S . A . F . Ammo Troop ********************************* An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for many years . He had a large pond in the back, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees . The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built . One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while, and he grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit while he was about it . As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing . As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond . He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end . One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked . " Holding the bucket up, he said "I'm here to feed the alligator . " Moral: Old men like to look at pretty women, and can still think fast . Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1353627	2013-09-16 01:36:00	Yorkshire Police in a recent press release have detailed a new drug craze that is being practiced in area's nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"	tutaenui (1724)
1353628	2013-09-16 01:57:00	Colin was on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Customs Officers at the airport. "May I see your identification, please?" asked an officer. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied Colin "Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the officer. "But I can prove I'm a New Zealander!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of John Key tattooed on one side of my butt and Helen Clark on the other." "This I gotta see", replied the officer. With that, Colin dropped his strides and showed the officer his behind. "By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the officer. "Have a safe trip back to Northland ..." "But how do you know I'm from Northland ? " The officer replied, "I recognized Hone Harawira in the middle" Ken	kenj (9738)
1353629	2013-09-16 04:35:00	A woman sees a man smoking and decides to educate him. How many packets do you smoke a day, she asks? Two, he says. How much does each pack costs? Around $15. And how long have you been smoking? Twenty years, why? Well, did you know you could have bought a Ferrari by now with all the money you could have saved? She asked. Wow, he exclaims, Do you smoke? No, she answered. Then where's your Ferrari?	pctek (84)
1353630	2013-09-16 05:07:00	A woman sees a man smoking and decides to educate him. How many packets do you smoke a day, she asks? Two, he says. How much does each pack costs? Around $15. And how long have you been smoking? Twenty years, why? Well, did you know you could have bought a Ferrari by now with all the money you could have saved? She asked. Wow, he exclaims, Do you smoke? No, she answered. Then where's your Ferrari? Bahahahaha I love that!!! Reminds me of the following quote from Bash.org *** <Mikey> So theres this chick at work thats pretty cute <Mikey> And she saw me outside having a smoke one time on a break <Mikey> And she goes "You should give that up" <Mikey> That means she cares about my wellbeing and would possibly sleep with me right? <stevenst> No, it just means she's an opinionated b*tch <Mikey> :(	lordnoddy (3645)
1353631	2013-09-16 08:24:00	Bahahahaha I love that!!! Reminds me of the following quote from Bash.org Wish they'd update their site more than once a decade...	Agent_24 (57)
1353632	2013-09-16 21:43:00	Wish they'd update their site more than once a decade... You and me both dude! Even clicking 50 random quotes - I almost *never* read a new one :( Best bash.org quotes you've read - GO!	lordnoddy (3645)
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