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Thread ID: 50108	2004-10-10 20:29:00	OT: Monday Laughs	Billy T (70)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
279924	2004-10-11 09:51:00	I Love Her, But... (A collection of men's thoughts on their women.) "she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. scrum on the oppositions 25 All Blacks put in. The crowd goes wild, and all I can see is her butt." "she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?" "what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do." "she makes lists; things to buy, things to do, people to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done." "you can hear her eat soup from the next room." "when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense." "my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs." "every so often boom! Shes a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is." "she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain; she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist." "she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde." "she takes her half of the bed out of the middle." "¦have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?" "my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate." "after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear,'and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning' " "in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me." "she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death." "she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair." "she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother." "it annoys her that our children look like me." "counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS." "with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her."	tutaenui (1724)
279925	2004-10-11 11:56:00	Nice one, tutaenui (Apart from the fact that you seem to have a problem with women-only jokes. Men are funny, too) But I hope for your sake Mrs tuteanui doesn't have a go - or haven't you told her you posted this and therefore haven't given her a chance to post her version? "A collection of men's thoughts on their women", it says. Well, that shows for starters it doesn't come from this country. The ones you posted were crap - real American crap. New Zealand blokes were a bit late on the equality stuff, but they never got into that garbage.	Laura (43)
279926	2004-10-12 02:45:00	Oh, I don't know Laura, I quite enjoyed it. ;)	Winston001 (3612)
279927	2004-10-12 05:05:00	Why did the bloke put viagra in his eyes? because he wanted too look hard . Why do blokes get married? so they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore . Why do blokes need instant replay on TV sports? after 30 seconds they forget what happened . Why do blokes whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? so they know which end to wipe . Why do blokes want to marry virgins ? because they can't stand criticism . Why was Colonel Sanders a typical bloke ? all he cared about were legs,breasts and thighs . Why cant blokes make ice cubes? because they don't know the recipe . What's a bloke's idea of foreplay ? watching the end of the match first . What does it mean when a bloke is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? you didn't hold the pillow down long enough . A bloke goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm . "The doctor says: 'What are you taking for it ?" The bloke replies: "Pepper!' . How many blokes does it take to change a light bulb ? Three . One to screw in the bulb and the other two to listen to him bragging about the screwing part . What do you give to the bloke who has everything ? Penicillin . How do you confuse a bloke ? You don't . Because they're just born that way . What does a bloke never want to hear when having great sex ? "Honey I'm home!" . What's the difference between blokes sex talk and women's sex talk ? When a bloke talks dirty to a woman,it's sexual harassment . When a woman talks dirty to a man,it's 90 cents a minute . What would have happened if there had been three wise women,not three wise men ? They'd have asked for directions,arrived on time,helped deliver the baby,cleaned the stable,made a casserole and brought practical gifts . A bloke asks God: 'Why did you make women so beautiful ?" God says: 'So you would be attracted to her" Puzzled, he asks: "But why make her so dumb? 'God replies: 'So she'd be attracted to you . A bloke's wife had been nagging him about his past from the day they were married, "How many women have you slept with? 'She asks, "Honey, if I told you, you'd just get angry' He says . 'I promise I won't . " She begs . Finally He relents: 'Well if you insist, Let's see . One, Two, Three, Four, You, Six, Seven .	Murray P (44)
279928	2004-10-12 05:36:00	Sorry, wrong thread Murray P, this is the jokes thread. I dunno what you call that, but you should be ashamed of yourself.	alphazulusixeightniner (185)
279929	2004-10-12 05:40:00	Grumpy :p Cheers Maria ;P	Murray P (44)
279930	2004-10-12 06:56:00	Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Mexico city . One had a cross in front of him, the other one had the Star of David . Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the one sitting behind the cross . A priest came by, stopped, and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David . Finally he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said, "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country . People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross . In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite . " The Star of David beggar listened to the priest politely . Turning to the cross beggar, said, "Moishe . . . look who's trying to teach us marketing . "	Steve_L (763)
279931	2004-10-12 06:58:00	When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol . He squealed with delight and headed for he nearest sink I was not so pleased . I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied . . . "I remember!"	Steve_L (763)
279932	2004-10-12 08:01:00	Aussie blokes' idea of foreplay: WAKE UP SHIRL :D	Billy T (70)
279933	2004-10-12 08:05:00	Hey Billy, another take on the the Aussie foreplay : Brace Yourself Shirl!	andrew93 (249)
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