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Thread ID: 50331	2004-10-17 19:42:00	OT: Monday Laughs- The "Ouch" factor!	Billy T (70)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
282008	2004-10-17 19:42:00	Colonoscopies:O A physician claims that these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: 1. Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before. 2. Find Amelia Earhart yet? 3. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? 4. You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married. 5. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief? 6. You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, you do the Hokey Tokey.... 7. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels! 8. Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity. 9. You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you? 10. Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head wasn't up there at all? Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
282009	2004-10-17 20:00:00	Think this has been on here before so sorry for repeat. CUSTOMER SERVICE This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations) Tech "Rich Hall, computer Assistance; may I help you?" Customer "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Tech "What sort of trouble?" Customer "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Tech "Went away?" Customer "They disappeared." Tech "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Customer "Nothing." Tech "Nothing?" Customer "It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Tech "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" Customer "How do I tell?" Tech "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" Customer "What's a sea- prompt?" Tech "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Customer "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Tech "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" Customer "What's a monitor?" Tech "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV." Customer "Oh." Tech "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" Customer "I don't know." Tech "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" Customer "Yes, I think so." Tech "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." Customer "Yes, it is." Tech "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" Customer "No." Tech "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Customer "Okay, here it is." Tech "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Customer "I can't reach." Tech "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" Customer "No." Tech "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" Customer "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle; it's because it's dark." Tech "Dark?" Customer "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Tech "Well, turn on the office light then." Customer "I can't." Tech "No? Why not?" Customer "Because there's a power failure." Tech "A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" Customer "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Tech "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Customer "Really? Is it that bad?" Tech "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Customer "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" Tech "Tell them you're too fu***** stupid to own a computer!"	johnboy (217)
282010	2004-10-17 20:22:00	LETTER TO A CHRONIC COMPUTER USER My Dear Husband, I am sending you this letter via this E-mail thing, so that you will be sure to read it . Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO . The children are doing well . Jimmy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy . He has developed quite an interest in the arts . He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good and the back of your head is very realistic . You should be very proud of him . Little Suzy turned three in September . She looks a lot like you did at that age . She is an attractive child and quite smart . She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday . What a grand day for Suzy, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out . I am doing well . I went blonde about a year ago and discovered that it really is more fun! Fred, I mean, Mr . Johnson the department head, has, uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all . I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze . The house is in good shape . I had the living room painted last spring . I'm sure you noticed it . I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed . Well, my dear, I must be going . Uncle Fred, uh, Mr . Johnson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do . I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it . I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone . Jimmy, Suzy and I will think of you often . Try to remember us while your little disks are booting . Love, Your Wife	Winston001 (3612)
282011	2004-10-18 06:53:00	The following are real examples of letters sent to Landlords. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. The lavatory is blocked; this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked footpath? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.	Smithie 38 (1008)
282012	2004-10-18 07:58:00	LOL cant breath!!!! too much funny...... must stop reading.....	robsonde (120)
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