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Thread ID: 135262	2013-10-13 23:03:00	Monday Laughs.....Dedicated to conflict, marital and other.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1356029	2013-10-13 23:03:00	. HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started...... ********************************* My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Okay, then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started.... ********************************* I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" I said, "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... ********************************* My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ********************************* When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed, but somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ********************************* My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ********************************* Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 80kph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Yes, and can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... ********************************* My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started... ... ********************************* After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability as well.' And then the fight started... ********************************* My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly and right now I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started... ..... ********************************* I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1356030	2013-10-13 23:46:00	Warning, portions may be politically incorrect. The other bits got there by mistake. I'm about to take part in the Great South Auckland Urban Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the local shopping centre, shout "Allah is a ******" & then off we go.... A government survey has shown that 87.61% of illegal immigrants go to Australia so that they can see their own doctor. I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69 I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls! A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The School of Diving spokesperson said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open. Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $9.97/min plus GST (charges may vary). Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker. They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.	R2x1 (4628)
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