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Thread ID: 135195	2013-10-06 21:37:00	Monday Laughs.............Life & death, other stuff, and a Vocab Test...............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1355236	2013-10-06 21:37:00	. Birthdays are good for your health and longevity . Research has shown that the more you have, the longer you live . ********************************* In a remote village on the West Coast lived an old lady . She was still a virgin and very proud of it . Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's Undertaker (who also happened to be the local Postal Clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements . As a last request, she informed the Undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her headstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN" Not long after, the old maid died peacefully . A few days after the funeral, as the Undertaker--Postal Clerk went to prepare her headstone as the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the modest tablet that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen . He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone . For days he agonised over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem . The virgin's headstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: RETURNED UNOPENED ********************************* A sweet grandmother telephoned her local Hospital . She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said "I'll be glad to help Dear, what's the name and Room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Eileen McKenzie, Room 302 . " The Operator replied, "Let me check", then after a brief pause she said: Oh, good news . Her record say that Eileen is doing very well . Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr . Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged next Tuesday . " The Grandmother said, "Thank you . That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news . " The operator replied, "You're more than welcome . Is Eileen your daughter?" The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Eileen McKenzie in 302 . No one tells me shlt around here!" ********************************* The Black Bra (as told by a woman) I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends . One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years . We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes . We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes . . . Here's how it all went . My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask . He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams and I love you . ' Then we made passionate love all night long . The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes . When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night . Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes . When he came in the door and saw me he said: "What's for dinner, Zorro?" ********************************* Vocabulary Test: How fast can you guess these words… . 1) BOO_S 2) _ _ NDOM 3) F_ _ K 4) P_N_S 5) PU_S_ 6) S_X Scroll Down : * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * THE ANSWERS: BOOKS RANDOM FORK PANTS PULSE SIX You got all 6 wrong didn't you??? You just couldn't keep your mind above your belt! Cheers Billy 8-{) :devil	Billy T (70)
1355237	2013-10-07 00:19:00	Heh, good ones Billy - loved the Zorro one!!!	lordnoddy (3645)
1355238	2013-10-07 07:30:00	Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick 's Day . Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy' . . . Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then' . Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off . He falls flat on his face . 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off . He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine . He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame . He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face . 'Be'Jesus . . . I'm fookin' fooked,' he says . He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside… . he takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f . . . . . . . . . way" . He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed' . He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face . He says 'f . . . . . . . . . it' and falls into bed . The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy . Did you have a bit to drink last Night ?' Paddy says, 'I did, Jess . I was f . . . . . . . in pissed . But how did you know?' 'Mick 'phoned . . . . . . . . . . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub . '	tutaenui (1724)
1355239	2013-10-08 00:16:00	THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS” : 1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”... 2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.” 3. “On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.” 4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price” 5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.” 6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.” 7. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.” 8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.” 9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.” 10. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.” 11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.” 12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.” 13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.” 14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort’. We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.” 15. “There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.” 16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.” 17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.” 18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.” 19. “My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”	lordnoddy (3645)
1355240	2013-10-08 19:15:00	A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report: Most Honorable Sir, You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and She leave house. I follow. He and She go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss She. She kiss He. He strip She. She Strip He. He play with She. She play with He. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see. No Fee, Chen Lee. :lol:	kenj (9738)
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