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Thread ID: 50594	2004-10-26 00:14:00	Monday Laughs (Tuesday Edition). Parental advisory: porcine humour	Billy T (70)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
284700	2004-10-26 00:14:00	If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas would be produced to create the energy of a small atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off! ("Honey, I'm home........ What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they'd switch, they'd live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
284701	2004-10-26 01:16:00	There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning." With kind wishes to Beetle and Laura :D	Winston001 (3612)
284702	2004-10-26 04:37:00	The Pope and the Rabbi Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won they would have to leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute then ... the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue." Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here." "And then what," asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."	Smithie 38 (1008)
284703	2004-10-26 05:34:00	Ok, i got u guys some blond jokes I had read on jokes . com Soccer Blonde A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help . One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other . The blonde approached and asked if she was all right . The girl said she was . A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself . Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously . Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!" Indecent Exposure A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts . A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" asks the blonde . "Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed . " "Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!" Don't Eat the Brown Ones A guy took his girlfriend to the movies . During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms . When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away . "What did you do that for?" he asked her . "I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied . Splish Splash Through the Field A blond was driving along a country road, listening to the radio . The D . J . was telling blonde jokes one after the other, and she got extremly pissed off and turned of the radio . She continued down the road, and in a field she saw another blond in a canoe trying to row across the field . She stopped and got out of the car, and yelled across to the other blond, "It's Blondes like you who make everyone think I'm stupid . If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!" 3 Wishes A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island . One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp . They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie . The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one . " The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years . I miss my family, my husband, and my life . I just want to go home . " POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family . Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well . I miss my family, my husband, and my life . I wish I could go home too . " POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family . The blonde starts crying uncontrollably . The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here . " Blonde at the Appliance Store A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain . "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman . "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied . She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV . " "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied . "Darn, he recognized me," she thought . She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman . "I would like to buy this TV . " "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied . Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied . Grand Theft Auto A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing . She calls the police and reports a theft . When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am . . . you're sitting in the backseat . . . " This Joke Hurts A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts . " He asks "What do you mean?" So she showed him what she meant . She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!" The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren''t you?" She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am . How did you guess?" Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken . "	static (4108)
284704	2004-10-26 07:02:00	How's your math? ----- Original CHOCOLATE MATHEMATICS ----- This is pretty neat how it works out . This is cool chocolate math!!!!!!! DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute . . . . . . . Work this out as you read . Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun . 1 . First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate . (try for more than once but less than 10) 2 . Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold) 3 . Add 5 . (for Sunday) 4 . Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 . If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754 . . . . If you haven't, add 1753 . 6 . Now subtract the four digit year that you were born . You should have a three digit number . The first digit of this was your original number (i . e . , how many times you want to have chocolate each week) . The next two numbers are . . . . . YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!!) THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK Neat, eh? :-)	Susan B (19)
284705	2004-10-26 12:43:00	Neat indeed, Susan . In fact, an accurate wee gem . Interesting that it only applies to this year - but I leave that to the mathematicians . . ? Meanwhile, Winston's greetings require a reply - so we'll look at the trio of friends who went out fishing in a dingy in Southland over Labour Weekend . They were a teacher, a minister & a lawyer . Unfortunately, the waves turned choppy & the dingy overturned . And as they were struggling in the water, a shark appeared & began to attack . He homed in on the teacher & disposed of him . Next victim was the minister . But then he swam away, leaving the lawyer to swim to shore unharmed . Southlanders were mystified about this - until someone came up with the answer . "Of course, it was just professional courtesy . "	Laura (43)
284706	2004-10-26 18:46:00	The happy couple gave birth to identical twin boys . They named them Amal and Juan because:- When you've seen Juan you've seen Amal	Dally (6292)
284707	2004-10-26 23:25:00	A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades . . . She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking . After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then,maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator . Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand . Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her . With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp . Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs . The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement . The blonde struggled and flipped the gator on to its back . Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out . . . . . "DAMN! THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT, TOO!! :D	Fire-and-Ice (3910)
284708	2004-10-27 00:17:00	> THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK Yes - next year the 4-digit year added will be 1755 and 1754 respectively (instead of 1754 and 1753). Basically the maths for this year works out to 100x + 2003 - <year of birth> [+ 1 if already had birthday this year], where x is the original number. Won't quite work for centenerians or older!	D. McG (3023)
284709	2004-10-28 05:54:00	That is absoutley amazing. I was seriously expecting it not to work.	george12 (7)
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