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Thread ID: 50973	2004-11-07 22:55:00	Monday Laughs	Billy T (70)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
289103	2004-11-07 22:55:00	Computer Advertising Terms Defined NEW - Different color from previous design. ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design. EXCLUSIVE - Imported product. UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition. FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments. ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it. CLASS-LEADING SPEED - Might last 5 minutes or 5 hours between crashes. IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming. FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment. HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit. EXCLUSIVE TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCE -Even we don't know how or why it works FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does. REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope. DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work. UNIQUE DESIGN - Nobody else was stupid enough to try this method. BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it. MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix. MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours. SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything! HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it. Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
289104	2004-11-08 02:46:00	Excellent. Nice post and so very very true :D	Odin (227)
289105	2004-11-08 04:14:00	Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. They both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity." The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen took a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shook it up, and gargled. Then, she spit into the toilette and pulled the lever. The angel said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She simply gargled and she got in. Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," said the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."	Smithie 38 (1008)
289106	2004-11-08 06:47:00	A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the bull". "How disgusting," said the teacher? "I'm sure your father could have done that." "No ma'am, he couldn't have. It has to be the bull"	Winston001 (3612)
289107	2004-11-08 08:51:00	The Captain called in the Sergeant. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all of the troops. "Listen up men!", says the Sergeant, "Smith! Report to the mess hall for kitchen duty. McGrath! Report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool. Oh and Jones! Your mother died - report to the commander!" Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a little more tactful next time?" "Yes sir!" answered the Sergeant. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's father died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful". So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Okay men, fall in and listen up! Everybody with a father, take two steps forward! Not so fast McGrath!".	andrew93 (249)
289108	2004-11-08 19:40:00	Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the USA . ========================================== "So you don't know how fast you were going . I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document . " "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't . Sign here "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new . They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile . " "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired . " "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that's the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun . " "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help . Oh . . did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O . K . , I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket . " "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not . Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop . " "Yeah, we have a quota . Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven . " "Just how big were those two beers?" "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore . We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want . " "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours . At least you know someone who can post your bail . "	Steve_L (763)
289109	2004-11-08 20:55:00	Tag lines that I wish I'd thought of - Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants . Marriage changes passion . Suddenly you're in bed with a relative . I don't do drugs . I get the same effect just standing up fast . I live in my own little world . But it's OK . They know me here . I got a sweater for Christmas . I really wanted a screamer or a moaner . I don't approve of political jokes . I've seen too many of them get elected . Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" A good friend will come and bail you out of jail . . . but, A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn . . . that was fun!" I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing . If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Don't argue! with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference . Just remember . . . if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off . If raising children was going to be easy, It never would have started with something called LABOUR! Wouldn't you know it . . . Brain cells come and brain cells go, But FAT cells live forever .	tutaenui (1724)
289110	2004-11-10 19:19:00	>>> . . . . . . . . . THE TEXAS WISH . . . . . . . . . . Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper . The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick . "Ow!" says the driver . "Why'd you do that?" The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son . When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready . " The driver says, "I'm sorry officer, I'm not from around here . " The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window . The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick . "Ow!" says the passenger . "What'd you do that for?" The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true . " "What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy . "Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, ˜I wish that lousy assh*le would've tried that sh_t with me!'"	Steve_L (763)
289111	2004-11-10 20:44:00	The Talking Dog :-) One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "He's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t "	Term_X (560)
289112	2004-11-11 11:17:00	>>>Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Celebrated His Reelection 10. Eliminated tax cut for 55 million Americans who voted for Kerry. 9. Went trippin' on a handful of Cheney's heart pills. 8. Thanked voters from all 59 states. 7. Splurged on the endless shrimp special at Red Lobster. 6. Pretended not to notice his father's envious weeping. 5. Dug out tapes of some of his favorite Texas executions. 4. You know, the usual--watching wrasslin' and eating yodels. 3. Immediately started planning his 2008 reelection bid. 2. Told prison guards to give Saddam an extra tasering. 1. Asked for Laura's help with a very different bulge under his suit.	Steve_L (763)
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