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Thread ID: 51467	2004-11-21 20:48:00	Monday Larfs	Susan B (19)	Press F1

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
294751	2004-11-21 20:48:00	Monday is not the same without big bruvver Billy's Monday Laughs and since he is taking a little break I need to keep up the tradition. :-) New Recruits The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists... two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them. ;-)	Susan B (19)
294752	2004-11-21 21:25:00	> Monday is not the same without big bruvver Billy's > Monday Laughs and since he is taking a little break I > need to keep up the tradition. :-) I hate to think how much trouble you're going to be in for the amusing spelling of "laugh" in the title.	ninja (1671)
294753	2004-11-21 21:31:00	> I hate to think how much trouble you're going to be in for the amusing spelling of "laugh" in the title. Why, no trouble at all, of course. :-) > > Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them. ;-)	Susan B (19)
294754	2004-11-21 21:37:00	Nice Susan :-) Brightened my morning!	Chilling_Silence (9)
294755	2004-11-21 22:02:00	The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door the damn cuckoo clock started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "midnight." He seemed satisfied with my response. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night the clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, ****," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted"	Smithie 38 (1008)
294756	2004-11-21 22:07:00	"The Salt" A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!!	nzStan (440)
294757	2004-11-21 22:18:00	Just in case you think you deal with the technologically challenged, look at this lot taken from a Wall Street Journal article: Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on - The cover turned out to he the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. Another Dell customer called to say be couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button, Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens" The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is How may I help you?” Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder? " Caller "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK it said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in. The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk I first.	Exwesty (5639)
294758	2004-11-21 22:20:00	How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path How Do You Make Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It . What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag . What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef . What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .	Steve_L (763)
294759	2004-11-21 22:26:00	THE MOST DJSGUSTTNG JOKE EVER THOUGHT OF! A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door when be answers, a tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second tramp that also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp The landlord says, " Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too " " No, a straw " . The landlord gives him a straw but is curious why he wants it, so he asks the tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. " Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuffs gone already........... "	Exwesty (5639)
294760	2004-11-21 23:11:00	Oh geez Exwesty, I don't feel like lunch now! :D Since you posted two, so will I.... The Golfer... It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"	Susan B (19)
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