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Thread ID: 135498	2013-11-11 02:15:00	Monday Laughs.......Wowser Week, especially for those of delicate disposition......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1359387	2013-11-11 02:15:00	. Following the obvious distress caused by last week's 'slightly off-colour' content, I have this week provided a religious theme to compensate for the appalling lack of taste shown last Monday . . . . . . . . . . . Holy Humour A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father . "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy . . . " the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth . ' ********************************* There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country . "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk . "Only the Ten Commandments . " answered the lady . ********************************* "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world . There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning . " ********************************* A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter . Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times . If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment . Forgive us our trespasses . " When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years . If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job . Lead us not into temptation . " ********************************* There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news . The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program . The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets . " ********************************* While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage . The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign . . . "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass . Caution: Do not step in exhaust . " ********************************* A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air . "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy . "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked . "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven . . . " ********************************* A Minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend . The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him . Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump . "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay . It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip . " The Minister chuckled, "I know what you mean . It's the same in my business . " ********************************* People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention . ********************************* Sunday after church, a Mum asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about . The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt . " Needless to say, the Mum was perplexed . Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mum asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about . He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming . " ********************************* How Moses ended up with the 10 Commandments God went to the Arabs and said, I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better . . ' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living . ' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill . ' 'Not kill? We're not interested . . ' So He went to the Africans and said, 'I have Commandments . ' The Africans wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother . ' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are . We're not interested . ' Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments . ' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal . ' 'Not steal? We're not interested . ' Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments . ' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery . ' 'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested . ' Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments . ' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How many shekels must we pay for these Commandments? 'They're free . ' sais God 'We'll take 10 . ' There . That, should p'off just about everybody, except the Jews . Now, let's hope this week's objector shows better taste than last week's . . . . . . . . . . . . :D Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1359388	2013-11-11 03:28:00	"Our Father, who does art in heaven . . . " - I lost it! Thanks Billy!!! I love all the jokes you post . . . just sayin . . . A couple from my emails . . . Enjoy :) *** John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital . One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool . David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act . He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK . Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David . The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person . The bad news is that, the patient Mr . John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died . David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself . I hung him there to dry *** Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females . One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow **** and dives down toward her . "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, " . . . but is this stool taken?"	lordnoddy (3645)
1359389	2013-11-11 07:25:00	In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth . And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep . And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this . " And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light . And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good . And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood . " And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth . " And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them . And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit . And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game . " And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives . And Satan created McDonald's . And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger . And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them . " And Man gained 5 pounds . And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair . And Satan brought forth chocolate . And Woman gained 5 pounds . And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad . " And Satan brought forth Ice Cream . And Woman gained 10 pounds . And God said, "I have sent thee heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them . " And Satan brought forth chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter . And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof . And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds . And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2 . And Man gained another 20 pounds . And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil . " And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition . And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them . And he created sour cream dip also . And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol . And Satan saw and said, "It is good . " And Man went into cardiac arrest . And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery . And Satan created DHBs . -------------- One day, in the Biblical world, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark" . Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the guv' . . . "But " God interrupts, "there's a catch . This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other" . "20 DECKS!", screams Noah, and after a while continues, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say . Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well . . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers . "Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp! "Noah looks to the skies . "OK . . . God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check", "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?" . "Check" . "And you want it full of Carp?" "Check" "Excuse me, me old mucker do you mind if I ask why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing . . . * "Dunno", says God . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . * *"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark" .	tutaenui (1724)
1359390	2013-11-11 07:35:00	"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark". :groan: Good ones, guys!	WalOne (4202)
1359391	2013-11-12 18:59:00	A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So in his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?' Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.' 'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand... 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.' Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?' Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.' The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.' Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?' Louie just nodded. 'That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.' 'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.' Louie shrugged.. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!' 'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??' Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? :)	WalOne (4202)
1359392	2013-11-14 00:51:00	A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked on me," he replied.	WalOne (4202)
1359393	2013-11-14 20:50:00	The dog one is great Wal!!! TGIF! *** A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" *** A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's going on. "Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"? The man smiles at him, winks and says "I'm trying to get my date drunk."	lordnoddy (3645)
1359394	2013-11-14 21:54:00	This is so true :thumbs: ......... Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and other one is the husband !	kenj (9738)
1359395	2013-11-15 06:24:00	What is the difference between a Coffin and a Condom? Not a lot, they both cover stiffs only one is coming and the other going. Ken	kenj (9738)
1359396	2013-11-15 22:34:00	On the eve of the All Blacks v England game, it may be appropriate to reflect on some of the depth of thinking displayed by these observations by our Rugby intelligentsia. Then again, it may not :rolleyes: Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - (Jono Gibbs - Chiefs) "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - (Rodney So'ialo - Hurricanes) on University "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - (Colin Cooper - Hurricanes head coach) Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt : "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito Kevin Senio ( Auckland ), on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically the same, just darker." David Nucifora ( Auckland ) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David, I don't know and I don't care.' David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first." "Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago" (Murray Mexted) "Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Ma Nonu) "He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." ( Murray Mexted) "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Jerry Collins) "That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Tony Brown) "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Tana Umaga) "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them serious." (Doc Mayhew) "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Anton Oliver) "I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better." (Murray Mexted - again) "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie) Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" Tana Umaga: "On what?" "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Murray Mexted - not again!) "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (Murray Mexted - yup dear old Murray again) :lol::lol: We should consider ourselves fortunate the outcome of the match will be determined more on game skills!	WalOne (4202)
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