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Thread ID: 135621 2013-11-24 08:50:00 Monday Laughs.....Premature E-Joke-ulation..........I just couldn't wait............ Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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1360763 2013-11-24 08:50:00 .

Wealthy Irish:

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by, loaded up with rolls of turf .

Paddy said, “I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery . ”

What's dat?”, said his mate .

“Send me lawn away to be cut”, said Paddy .

*********************************


Repairing Hearts:

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop .

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike .

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle . The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine . I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new . So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic . . .

"Try doing it with the engine running . "

*********************************


The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building . Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute .

The substitute wanted to know what to play . The Minister said impatiently: "Here's a copy of the service," "but you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances . "

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more . Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up" and at that moment the substitute organist began playing "The Star Spangled Banner . "

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

*********************************


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession . Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned . '

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven . '

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times . '

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice . '

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face . '

*********************************


Looks of Disappointment:

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side .

His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful . ' Then he fell asleep again .

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side .

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute . '

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute . '

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off . '

*********************************


The Catholic Dog :

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company .

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead . Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church .

But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe .

Maybe they'll do something for the creature . '

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father . Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

*********************************


The Donation :

Father O'Malley answers the phone . 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS . Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will . '

*********************************


The Confession:

An elderly man walks into a confessional . The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren . Yesterday, I picked up two hitchhiking college girls . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times . '

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish . '

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 82 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'


Cheers


Billy 8-{) :devil 		Billy T (70)
1360764 2013-11-24 09:39:00 All good :D

:lol: 		wainuitech (129)
1360765 2013-11-24 19:50:00 Rofl-ing. R2x1 (4628)
1360766 2013-11-24 20:10:00 Man: 'I am 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, '
Good ones Billy, but does this mean he was married at 12? 		dugimodo (138)
1360767 2013-11-24 20:15:00 Good stuff!
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholoc!" :D 		lordnoddy (3645)
1360768 2013-11-25 02:07:00 Good ones Billy, but does this mean he was married at 12?

Of course!

You've heard of 'child brides' no doubt, so he was probably a 'child groom' (often found in stables) .

Clearly he was a precocious child with attributes in excess of his years and his stature .

Of course he could have just been randy and lied about his age . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Or his memory may have been fading . . . . but why spoil a good joke . :thumbs:

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
1360769 2013-11-25 02:20:00 A couple from me :)
***
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next
to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he
notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual
statistics. It identifies that American Indialns have the longest
average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the
way my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto
Kowalski, nice to meet you."
**
Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
She replies "because you're ugly." 		lordnoddy (3645)
1360770 2013-11-25 07:13:00 A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him £200,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped ( looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?”...

The young man replies, “A 1999 Ferrari GTO. It cost £200.000!”

“That’s a lot of money, “says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!”

Just then the light changes so the young man decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! something whips by him, going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! and it looked like the old man on the moped!

“Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!”

But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka- bblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers with his dying breath, “Unhook…my braces… from your side-view mirror…”

------------

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in W altzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven..? 		tutaenui (1724)
1360771 2013-11-26 20:45:00 Aah! True Love. Brings Tears To My Eyes

Tear jerker here for you


A couple were Christmas shopping and the shopping centre was packed.

As the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised to look around and see that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that shop."

"Well, I'm in the pub next door to it." 		WalOne (4202)
1360772 2013-11-26 21:20:00 Good bunch there! Agent_24 (57)
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