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Thread ID: 135561	2013-11-18 23:30:00	Monday Laughs..........Better late than never..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1360114	2013-11-18 23:30:00	. An Anthology of Shorts: Quotes, Jokes and Aphorisms . Some attributed, some not You can call them as you see them . . . . . . . . . Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day . Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish . ***** When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land . They said, 'Let us pray' and we closed our eyes . When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land . ~ Desmond Tutu ***** America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked . ~ David Letterman ***** I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire . God dammit! I'm a billionaire . ~ Howard Hughes ***** After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box . ~ Italian proverb ***** The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats . ***** I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage . ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor ***** You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't . ~ Jeff Foxworthy ***** When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife . ~ Prince Philip ***** A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing . ~ Emo Philips . ***** Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself . ~ Harrison Ford ***** The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree . ~ Spike Milligan ***** Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke . ***** Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror . ***** Having more money doesn't make you happier . I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million . ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger . ***** In hotel rooms I worry . I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked . ~ Jonathan Katz ***** If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead . ~ Johnny Carson ***** I don't believe in astrology . I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical . ~ Arthur C . Clarke ***** Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap . ~ Steve Martin ***** Home cooking . Where many a man thinks his wife is . ~ Jimmy Durante ***** As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder . ~ John Glenn ***** If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? ~ Steven Wright ***** America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric . ~ Doug Hamwell ***** The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone . ***** I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it . ***** If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport . ***** And finally . . . . . . . . . . . . . We are here on earth to do good unto others . What the others are here for, I have no idea . Cheers Billy 8-{) :) Sorry about the late arrival, didn't mean to give anybbody a scare (or withdrawal symptoms), Mrs T is having some recarpeting done so naturally my workload quadruples .	Billy T (70)
1360115	2013-11-19 00:11:00	Good luck with getting the missus recarpeted Billy.	the_bogan (9949)
1360116	2013-11-19 00:57:00	Good luck with getting the missus recarpeted Billy. Hope the new pattern is nice.	Whenu (9358)
1360117	2013-11-19 03:39:00	A civil engineer, a mechanical engineer, and an electrical engineer are talking about what kind of engineer God is. The MechE says, "God is a MechE. Nobody else could have designed the types of joints and muscles that go into a human body." The EE says, "God is an EE. Nobody else could have designed the types of nerves and synapses that go into a human body." The CivE says, "God is a CivE. Nobody else would have run a waste line through a recreational zone." -------------------- Two nuns are driving along at night. Suddenly, a vampire jumps in front of their car. "What should we do?" asks the first nun. "Show him your cross!" says the second. So the first nun leans out the window and yells, "Get out of the way, mother****er!"	pctek (84)
1360118	2013-11-19 04:09:00	Good luck with getting the missus recarpeted Billy. Shouldn't that be "Skingrafted"? OR A new dress or outfit? PJ	Poppa John (284)
1360119	2013-11-19 07:23:00	Good luck with getting the missus recarpeted Billy. I'vre always felt that Mrs T was a bit thin-skinned. A nice thick natural wool pile should do the trick, it would take a major blue to break through that, and even if I did manage a blue of that magnitude, carrying all that extra epidermis she probably couldn't catch me anyway! Bit of a win-win situation if it all goes well. Cheers Billy 8-{) :devil	Billy T (70)
1360120	2013-11-20 17:47:00	Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother" The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "I bet you're sorry you neutered me now." ;)	WalOne (4202)
1360121	2013-11-21 06:11:00	Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. :D	Agent_24 (57)
1360122	2013-11-21 07:07:00	Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give a man a boat so he can go fishing and he will sit in it and drink beer all day!	tutaenui (1724)
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