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Thread ID: 135692 2013-12-01 21:45:00 Monday Laughs..............Word-Play, more God stuff, and senility... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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1361384 2013-12-01 21:45:00 .


This is for Lexophiles*

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless .

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate .

A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months .

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U . C . L . A .

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground .

You can tune a piano, . . . but you can't tuna fish .

The batteries were given out . . . free of charge .

A dentist and a manicurist married . . . They fought tooth and nail .

A will is a . . . dead giveaway .

If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed .

With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress .

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner .

You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it .

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . . . then it hit me .

A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat .

When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall .

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest .

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now .

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . jog your memory .

A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired .

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your Count that votes .

When a clock is hungry . . . . it goes back four seconds .

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered .

When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye .

Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done .

He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed .

Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end .

. . . . . . And finally, one for computer enthusiasts:

Local Area Network in Australia . . . The LAN down under .


*Lexophile: a lover of words, one who derives pleasure from various use of words, who appreciates the nuances surrounding different words, and who is alert to synonyms, antonyms, homophones, and homonyms, often using them for effect, sometimes in humor .

*********************************


Harley-Davidson Facts

The designer of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven .

At the gates, St . Peter told Arthur . 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven . '

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God . '

St . Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God .

God recognised Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who designed the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me . . . '

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in designing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the designer of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes . '

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your project!

Oh yeah? says God . 'Like what for instance?


'Ok', says Arthur:

1 . There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2 . It chatters constantly at high speeds

3 . Most of your rear ends are inadequately suspended and wobble about too much

4 . The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5 . The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on . '

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results .

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it .

'Well, it may be true that my design has flaws,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men enjoy riding my design than yours' .

*********************************


God's Instructions to Adam

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for me . '
Adam said, 'Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley . '

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'
So God explained it to him .
Then God said, 'Cross the river . '

Adam said, 'What's a river?'

God explained that to him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill . . . . '

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was .

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave . '

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman . '

Adam said, 'What's a woman?', so God explained that to him, too .

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce . '

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez . . . . ' and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well .

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman .

Then, in about five minutes, he was back .

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said . . . .

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'

*********************************


The Brothel Trip:

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night .

Surprised, she looks at the clearly time-worn man and asks how old he is .

'I'm ninety years old,' he says .

'Ninety!' replies the woman . 'Don't you realise you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man . 'How much do I owe you?'

*********************************


An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile, several times lately I have forgotten to zip up . '

'That's not senility . ' replied the doctor .

'Senility is when you forget to zip down . '


Senility, coming sooner or later to a location you may recognise . . . . . . . . . . :xmouth:


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
1361385 2013-12-02 00:21:00 Heh very good Billy as usual! A few I have collected this week...
***
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were
beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of
passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to
whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"
Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you
are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always
ask the same old ridiculous questions."
***
An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to
top up a camel with water.
"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."
As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed
them over the camel's balls.
The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.
"Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"
***
A little boy was excited about his first day at school.
So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class
started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to
the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if
he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but
asked him to be quick.

Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate
and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram
to where he should go and asked him if he will be able
to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes"
and goes on his way.

Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says
to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at
the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So two fellas go together and five minutes later they
both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks
Jon, "Well, did you find it?"

Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his
boxer shorts on backwards"
***
What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge
display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French:
37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in
plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one.

Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found
that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.
***
Enjoy :) 		lordnoddy (3645)
1361386 2013-12-02 07:25:00 Someone's just knocked on my door...
I opened it to find a dwarf about 3ft 3" tall standing there
I said "who are you?"
He replied, "I'm the meter man!!"



Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. "What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade....." 		tutaenui (1724)
1361387 2013-12-02 07:45:00 Someone's just knocked on my door...
I opened it to find a dwarf about 3ft 3" tall standing there
I said "who are you?"
He replied, "I'm the meter man!!"


:groan: :ban 		WalOne (4202)
1361388 2013-12-03 01:56:00 Back in the 1930s, my grandfather was driving in the Bay of Plenty, and stopped to pick up a Maori Hitch hiker carrying a rifle.
My grandfather asked him, "Going Hunting"
"No I am going to shoot a fella "
My granfather laughed at the apparent joke.
He later found it wasn't a joke, when he ended up as a witness at a murder trial.
He had obliging given the murderer a lift to the scene of his crime. 		KenESmith (6287)
1361389 2013-12-03 03:38:00 Back in the 1930s, my grandfather was driving in the Bay of Plenty, and stopped to pick up a Maori Hitch hiker carrying a rifle.
My grandfather asked him, "Going Hunting"
"No I am going to shoot a fella "
My granfather laughed at the apparent joke.
He later found it wasn't a joke, when he ended up as a witness at a murder trial.
He had obliging given the murderer a lift to the scene of his crime.

Not sure if trying to be funny or serious =\ 		lordnoddy (3645)
1361390 2013-12-07 06:32:00 Guy goes in to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm feeling kind of run down . Just don't have any energy, no get-up-and-go . "

The doc gives him an exam, and finds nothing particularly noteworthy .

So, he starts asking about his lifestyle and diet . "What did you have for breakfast this morning?"

The man replied, "snooker balls, just like every morning . "

"Snooker balls! What kind?"

"Well, this morning, I had a red one, a purple one, and a blue stripe . I also like the yellows, the oranges, and sometimes the black one, when I'm in the mood . "

The doc smiles, and says, "I think I know what the problem is . "

"What, doctor?"

"You're not getting enough greens . "

:D 		WalOne (4202)
1361391 2013-12-07 21:40:00 A man went to the doctor with a really serious flatulence problem. Every time he farted, a sound emanated from from his bum that sounded like "Honda!", very loudly.

After discussing his problem with the doctor, the doctor shook his head and said "I;m going to have to refer you to a specialist - this is a problem I have never encountered before".

So the man went to a specialist and underwent a series of exorbitantly priced tests. A couple of weeks later he went back (still suffering) for the results.

The specialist said "Well, I'm sorry to say that despite all the modern advantages we have and all the tests we ran, the results are inconclusive. I have no answers for you - I cannot explain why, when you pass gas, a sound emanates from your buttocks that sounds like 'Honda!'. However I can refer you to a local Chinese man I know who practices Chinese natural remedies."

The man was getting very frustrated with his embarrassing problem, so he readily agreed.

He went along to the Chinese guy and sat down to explain...

"You see, I have this very embarrassing problem - every time I fart, a sound emanates from my bum that sounds like "Honda!". I'm at the end of my tether - I'm desperate. Can you tell me what is wrong?"

The Chinese herbalist sat quietly for a few moments, consulted a couple of books and then said, "Yes, I can help"

"I know what problem is. You have abscess."

"An abscess?!?!?" said the man. "How do you come to that conclusion?"

"Easy" say the herbalist. "Abscess make the fart go honda" 		johcar (6283)
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