Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 136096	2014-01-19 21:00:00	Monday Laughs.......Bars, Religion, Blondes, & Bill Gates dies..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1365517	2014-01-19 21:00:00	. An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a tennis ball. "I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?" The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid." "That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?" "Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ." ********************************* Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever." The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there." So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour. Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it. He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!" ********************************* A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits. Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Give that ballerina over there a drink on me." The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" "Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina." ********************************* A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me." "Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned." "Thass a great idea!" When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?" He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned." The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "But there's $10 in here!" "Oh yeah, he peed on my pants, too." ********************************* The Benefits of Atheism A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts. However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving. So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME WITH HIS PETTY PROBLEMS!" ********************************* A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but she protests that she'll die without them. The hairdresser sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes the headphones. A few minutes later, the blonde collapses dead on the floor. Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the headphones to his ear and hears, "Breathe in. Breathe out." ********************************* Bill Gates dies and goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?" St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1365518	2014-01-19 21:16:00	A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off. “What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant. “Nothing,” the woman answered “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.” “Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”	Whenu (9358)
1365519	2014-01-20 00:36:00	Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around. One was called Justin and the other was called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked. 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.' Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'......... 'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian' ............................................ An elderly couple are attending a church service. About halfway through, she whispers to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think?" Her husband looks at her and then scribbles a note which read "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."	tutaenui (1724)
1365520	2014-01-22 01:56:00	Meanwhile somewhere in space Aliens were watching an unusual dance. KAMATE KAMATE KA-ORA KA-ORA...... The Aliens were very interested in what must be going through his mind right at this moment and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing!! So with the Aliens high-technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi blokes head and took a part of his brain away. The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.... KA-MATE KA-MATE, KA-ORA KA-ORA....... ???WHAT THE??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing so they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain????.The Aliens watched on. KA-MATE KA-MATE KA-ORA KA-ORA...... ???WHAT THE??? The Aliens then figured these kiwis must be very clever people even with half a brain. So they wanted to see what would happen if they took the remainder of his brain away and left him with no knowledge what so ever! So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down which took the final part of the Kiwis brain. Now surely he won't know anything at all, he should be too dumb to do anything now? So the Aliens watched on as the bloke with no brains left then started singing, WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA..........	WalOne (4202)
1365521	2014-01-22 02:40:00	So the Aliens watched on as the bloke with no brains left then started singing, WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA.......... Love it!!!	lordnoddy (3645)
1365522	2014-01-22 05:35:00	Love it!!! Just for you then LN: A man took his dog to the vet. The Vet asked the man what was the matter. The man said, ''There are strange noises coming from my dogs ********'' The Vet listened and could hear the sound of someone singing Waltzing Matilda. The Vet says, ''There is nothing to worry about, lots of ********s sing Waltzing Matilda''. :D	WalOne (4202)
1365523	2014-01-22 05:57:00	In 1872 the Australians invented the condom by using a sheeps bladder. In 1873 the British refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.	WalOne (4202)
1365524	2014-01-23 22:34:00	Thanks Wal! Neve fail to deliver :) *** A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds. "WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar. Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds." The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened? The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!" *** What is the difference between a dog and a fox? Eight beers.	lordnoddy (3645)
1365525	2014-01-24 02:51:00	Great laughs all around, thanks guys!	whiteandnerdy (17120)
1