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Thread ID: 136162	2014-01-27 05:32:00	Monday Laughs.......Basically all about deaths-various ..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1366208	2014-01-27 05:32:00	. Noticing a mistake in St . Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer . " "Yeah," Satan replies . "All the more for me!" God replies, "You better send them up here immediately . " Satan says, "No way . I'm keeping them . " God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you . " Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right . And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?" ********************************* A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away . As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall . They hear a faint moan so they open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive . She lives for 10 more years and then dies . So, they have another funeral for her . At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket . As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!" ********************************* A taxi driver reaches the pearly gates . St . Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven . Next in line is a preacher . St . Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff . " The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth . You gave that taxi driver a gold staff and a silk robe . Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St . Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results . When you preached, people slept . When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed . " ********************************* Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together . One man says, "I'm a salesman . What about you?" "I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man . He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights . He then asks the man where he lives . Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here . Gray roof, yellow siding . " "You got a silver compact and a red pickup?" "The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck . " The hit man looks through the scope again . "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom . " "I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls . " The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot . " "I don't care! Just do it!" The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day . You're going to get a two for one!" ********************************* A dying man gives each of his best friends -- a lawyer, doctor and clergyman -- an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin . A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin . Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America . The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity . The lawyer is outraged, "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend . I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000 . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1366209	2014-01-27 06:09:00	A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person". He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist".	tutaenui (1724)
1366210	2014-01-27 07:36:00	That takes the sting out of Mondays.	R2x1 (4628)
1366211	2014-01-27 08:40:00	An old Vicar was in Hospital dying from an incurable illness. He had been in there three weeks and had no visitors. The nurse asked him if he had any relatives or friends who would visit him, he told them he had no relatives and being in his 80's all his friends were dead. She felt sorry for him and asked if there was anyone he would like to be with him when he died, he replied, ''Yes, John Key and Winston Peters''. The nurse contacted the Beehive and explained the Vicars plight. Sure enough Key and Peters arrived at his bedside and stood either side of his bed. The nurse asked him why he wanted Key and Peters; with his dying breath the Vicar said, ''I wanted to die like Jesus with a thief on one side of me and a rogue on the other''.	WalOne (4202)
1366212	2014-01-27 10:32:00	An old Vicar was in Hospital dying from an incurable illness. He had been in there three weeks and had no visitors. The nurse asked him if he had any relatives or friends who would visit him, he told them he had no relatives and being in his 80's all his friends were dead. She felt sorry for him and asked if there was anyone he would like to be with him when he died, he replied, ''Yes, John Key and Winston Peters''. The nurse contacted the Beehive and explained the Vicars plight. Sure enough Key and Peters arrived at his bedside and stood either side of his bed. The nurse asked him why he wanted Key and Peters; with his dying breath the Vicar said, ''I wanted to die like Jesus with a thief on one side of me and a rogue on the other''. I like it :D	Agent_24 (57)
1366213	2014-01-30 00:35:00	David Cunliffe was praying just before going to bed. Dear Lord, These years you have taken away my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favourite actress, Farrah Fawcett, and my favourite musician, Michael Jackson. John Key is my favourite Prime Minister.	WalOne (4202)
1366214	2014-01-30 03:43:00	Sorry I'm late :) loved the jokes guys... as usual my lot... *** A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll burst. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too." *** A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order." When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices. The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man. "You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this -- that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."	lordnoddy (3645)
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