Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 136199	2014-02-02 08:36:00	Monday Laughs.......Early- Bird special, I'm on a 5:00am start!..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1366663	2014-02-02 08:36:00	. A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Melbourne to Auckland . The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant . So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant responded, "Did your Mummy tell you to ask me that?" The boy said, "Yes, she did” . "Well then, you go and tell your Mum that there are no baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out at the right time, and ask Mummy to explain that to you . " ********************************* If there was a shred of doubt the world is totally insane, this will remove it . Only Divine intervention can restore us to sanity . This says it all…… . Pythagoras' Theorem: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 words . Lord's Prayer: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 66 words . Archimedes' Principle: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67 words . Ten Commandments: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 179 words . Gettysburg Address: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 86 words . US Declaration of Independence : . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1,300 words . US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7,818 words . EU Regulations on the Sale of CABBAGES: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26,911 words . ********************************* And on the same theme . . . . . . . How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a New Zealand Police Officer? SCENARIO: You're on duty by yourself late at night, walking on a deserted city back-street . Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife jumps out of a doorway, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, then lunges at you . You have a police issue Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you . QUESTION: What do you do? ANSWER: Australian Police Officer: As a Police Officer, first I must consider this person's Human Rights . 1) Does this man look poor or oppressed? 2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law? 3) Is this really a knife or just a ceremonial dagger? 4) Have I ever done anything to him that would provoke him to attack? 5) Am I dressed provocatively? 6) Could I run away? 7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? 8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrongdoings? 9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? 10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society? 11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? 12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me? 13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get the blame if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? . 14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, costing me my credibility, my job, and the loss of my family home? Canadian Police Officer: BANG! American Police Officer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG 'click' . . . Reload . . . BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! ! New Zealand Police Officer Oh Sh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ! The *&@#ing Glock is locked in the gun-safe in the boot of my patrol car . . . . . . . ********************************* IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD 1) You can't count your hair . 2) You can't wash your eyes with soap . 3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out . Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly fool . ********************************* TEN THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU 1) You are reading this . . 2) You are human . 3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips . 4) You just attempted to do it . 6) You are laughing at yourself . 7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No . 5 . 8) You just checked to see if there is a No . 5 . 9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone else does it too . 10) You are probably going to send this on to see who else falls for it . I have posted this in Monday Laughs because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category . Have a great day . Laugh, then laugh again and sing 'It's a Beautiful Morning' even when it's not . "Do not regret growing older . It is a privilege denied to many . " ********************************* Three couples attended a meeting with the Minister to see how to become members of his church . The Minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went . The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed . Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the Minister . The retired couple said it was no problem at all . The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem . The newlywed husband said it was fine until his wife dropped the can of paint . "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the Minister . "Yeah," said the newlywed man . "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then" . "I'm afraid lust and longing just took over," he added . The Minister just shook his head and said that they would not be welcome in his church . "That's okay," said the man . "We're not welcome in Bunnings either . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1366664	2014-02-02 09:56:00	3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out. Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly fool. :xmouth::D:D:D	Metla (12)
1366665	2014-02-02 19:01:00	How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a New Zealand Police Officer? ANSWER: Australian Police Officer: Drag him round the back and all the cops from local station beat him to death. Canadian Police Officer: BANG! American Police Officer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG New Zealand Police Officer Sorry, we're too busy right now and will attend your call later. Perhaps. *********************************	pctek (84)
1366666	2014-02-02 23:52:00	Haha well done again Billy! ** A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were fishing from a boat not from the lake shore. The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-potty located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water and in the same matter, came back to the boat after he was finished. A little later, the priest had to make the trip also. He got out of the boat, walked across the water, visited the bathroom and in the same manner, came back to the boat. Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore. He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said, "Do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?" ** Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother? Sister: He thinks he's a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs. ** One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great shape and they went to her apartment she only had one small problem, she had a speech impediment, but this didn't affect their sex. They went at it hot and heavy all night long then in the morning Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name, so he said to her, "I'm Mighty Thor and I have to leave now." She looked at him and said, "You're thore I'm tho thore I can hardly pith."	lordnoddy (3645)
1366667	2014-02-03 07:18:00	Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world; but we all need to be reminded from time to time. In General: 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral. Entertaining at Home: 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. Personal Hygiene: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. Weddings: 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. Driving Etiquette: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight. 2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.	tutaenui (1724)
1