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Thread ID: 136316	2014-02-16 23:33:00	Monday Laughs.................Shorts etc	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1367785	2014-02-16 23:33:00	. A farmer stopped by the local mechanics' shop to have his truck fixed . They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home . On his way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint . He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose, however, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry home all of his purchases? While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost . She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house . I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot . ' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, then carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old lady home . On the way he says 'Let's take a short-cut and go down this alley . We'll be there in no time . ' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me . . . . How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy Moses lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose . How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Well, you could set the goose down and cover him with the bucket, then put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens for you . ********************************* SHORTS: Life Thoughts Marriage changes passion . . . . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative . I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it . So I said 'Implants?' She hit me . How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ? Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants . I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing . If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk . ' Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference . Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !! Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? Wouldn't you know it . . . . Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever . Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside? Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a veteran' And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper . . . . . The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes . . You just might want to pass this along . . . . ********************************* MORE SHORTS: Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1 . I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it . 2 . My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran . 3 . I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart 4 . Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded . 5 . Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded . 6 . If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ? 7 . It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it is to get wiser . 8 . Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant . 9 . I wish the buck really did stop here . . . . and often; I sure could use a truckload of them . 10 . Kids in the back seat can cause accidents . 11 . Accidents in the back seat can cause kids . 12 . It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere yet . 13 . The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom . 14 . If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees . 15 . When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play checkers . 16 . It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere . 17 . The only difference between being in a rut and a grave is the depth . 18 . These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what the hell I'm "here after" . 19 . Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded . ********************************* A drunken Frenchman gets up from the bar and heads for the conveniences . A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling "sacré bleu" is heard, then, nothing . But, after another minute or two, another loud "sacré bleu" reverberates through the bar . The bartender goes into the restroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming . What's all the hootin' about in there?" he yells . "You're scaring my customers!" "I am just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the Frenchman, "and every time I pull the lever to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts . " The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket . " ********************************* A man and a woman were asleep together like two innocent babes . Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a noisy car pulled up outside . The woman woke, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap . That must be my husband!' So, scared and naked, the man leaped out of the bed and dived headlong out the window . He crashed to the ground, picked himself up, shot through a thorn bush and ran down the street as fast as he could go . A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, whaddaya mean "that must be my husband? I AM your !?!?@## husband!" And his wife yelled back, 'Yeah, so why were you running?' And that's when the fight started . . . . . Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1367786	2014-02-17 07:15:00	The Pope dies unexpectedly and finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy eyed watch opens the gate and asks, "wadda you want?" "I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of Godly works and thought I should check in here." The Heaven's Gate Guardian Angel checks his clipboard and says, "I haven't got any orders for you here, just bring your stuff in and we'll sort this out in the morning" Off they go to an old WWII style barracks, 3rd floor, open bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk. The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He goes to the window and sees a shiny Cadillac convertible coming down from the golden headquarters building on the hill. The sidewalks are lined with Angels cheering and throwing confetti. In the back seat of the convertible is Winston Peters, a cigar in his mouth, a can of beer in one hand and his other arm around a beautiful blonde Angel. This upsets the Pope greatly and he runs downstairs to Heavens Gate and says to the Guardian Angel, "Hey, explain this to me, here I am, the recently deceased Pope, and I have spent 63 years doing Godly deeds on Earth and am here in open bay barracks, and I see this politician that I know has committed every sin known to man, staying in the mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be?" The Guardian Angel calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here every 20 or 30 years, but this is the first politician we've ever had".	tutaenui (1724)
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