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Thread ID: 136257	2014-02-09 21:04:00	Monday Laughs.......Sun's out again, time for shorts..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1367239	2014-02-09 21:04:00	. Three friends die in a car accident and attend an orientation in Heaven. After greeting them, an angel asks "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a loving family man." The second guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a caring husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference to kids." The last guy says, "I would like them to say -- LOOK, he's moving!" ********************************* Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk." Husband says "That's not true - sometimes I want a kebab." ********************************* A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?" "Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she just appears out of nowhere!" ********************************* The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out after their nuclear disaster. They said they were delicious! ********************************* Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve." Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we came from the apes." Teacher: "Stay out of this one Abdul, I'm not talking about your lot." ********************************* A farmer gets a phone call from his son. "I've run over a pig and he's stuck under the tractor still alive" says the son. "Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it." About 10 minutes later he gets another call... "Done that, now what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?" ********************************* Prime Minister, Don Key, has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed only in English. ********************************* Sky News Report:- The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement. It was a mortar attack. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1367240	2014-02-10 06:44:00	A man walks into a pub with an octopus under his arm, he tells everyone that this octopus can play any musical instrument. He starts betting people that for every instrument the octopus can play, they should buy him a pint. So this octopus starts playing everything from lutes, guitars, saxophones, and drums... Suddenly a Scottish fellow arrives, and hands the octopus a set of bagpipes, and says here, play that. This octopus spends half an hour making awful noises and messing around with these bagpipes. The guy says "What are you doing? Play the damn thing!" The octopus then says "Play it? Once I get it's pajamas off I'm gonna screw it"	tutaenui (1724)
1367241	2014-02-10 19:23:00	You know you're Irish if... ~ The person that you insult most is probably your best friend ~ During your youth much of your food was boiled ~ You're strangely poetic after a few beers ~ You don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing ~ You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking ~ You have no idea how to make a long story short ~ Tea is the solution to every problem ~ And holy water is the solution to every injury ~ Saying 'I will yea' means that you definitely won't ~ 'For the craic' is the best reason for doing anything ~ Nobody can go a day without saying 'Jaysus' ~ You have a gift for swearing ~ You can insert the name of a gardening tool into any sentence and it still makes sense, e.g. 'I had a rake of drink last night' or "I'll be out in a minute, I'm just shoveling down the dinner' ~ It's perfectly acceptable to call your mother 'mammy' even though you are a fully grown adult ~ Saying 'Now we're sucking diesel' means that you are happy with the outcome of the situation ~ Drinking 'tae' is everyone's favourite past time ~ You're scared of the wooden spoon ~ The word 'like' goes in every sentence :D	WalOne (4202)
1367242	2014-02-10 22:35:00	An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. But this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis. 'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.' 'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!' 'Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a goner anyvay!' The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.' * * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * * The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?' 'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams..' * * * * * * * P O O F !!* * * * * * * * The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems. 'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it a good vone!' After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!' * * * * * * * P O O F!!! * * * * * * * * * He was turned into a tampon. THE MORAL OF THE STORY: If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.	WalOne (4202)
1367243	2014-02-10 22:36:00	A middle aged Bogan wanted to take up a new winter hobby. He went to the library and started studying all about ice fishing. Finally, he went out on the ice, set up all his stuff, and sat down. All of a sudden, a bellowing voice from above said there are no fish under the ice". Startled, he got up and moved to a different spot. Right as he began to sit down, the voice from above spoke again. There are no fish under the ice" Frustrated, he got up and walked a long ways away onto a new patch of ice. He sat down and set up all of his gear. Once again, the voice spoke. There are no fish under the ice". Now he was getting very mad. "God, is that you?" he asked. "No!, it is the manager of the ice skating rink" the voice replied.	the_bogan (9949)
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