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Thread ID: 136462	2014-03-02 21:19:00	Monday Laughs...........Old Ladies, Wives, A Dodgy Joke, & Engineers...............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1369112	2014-03-02 21:19:00	. A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food . She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter . The girl at the checkout said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat . Why not? asked the little old lady . "Well!" said the cashier, "A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, so the Manager needs proof that you are buying this for a cat . " The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store, so they sold her the cat food . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food . Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog . A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, so the Manager wants to be sure that you are buying this for your dog . " So the LOL went home and came back with her dog, and she then was able to buy the dog food . The next day the little old lady brought in a small box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole . The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there . " The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her, so the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out, then she said to the little old lady, "That feels like shlt, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and it smells like it too! The little old lady said, "It is shlt, and now that we've established that for you, I want to buy a pack of toilet paper rolls please . " Don't mess with old people, they have experience and the time to exercise it . ********************************* A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION . . . . . . . . . . . . . A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman . She was incensed and screamed at himt . 'You are a disrespectful pig!' 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you and I want a divorce right away!' Her husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened . ' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And her husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift . She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car . I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty, then she told me that she hadn't eaten for three days . So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight . The poor thing devoured them in moments . Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away . Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight . I also gave her the underwear that I bought as your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste . I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive boutique but don't wear because someone at work has a pair just the same . ' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please . . . Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' ********************************* An Australian aborigine man in Echuca goes to the hospital with a problem – he just can’t stop jogging and stand still! ‘Hey Doc,’ says the aborigine . ‘What ya think is makin’ me run all over the place? It’s too hot for dat shlt’ . The doctor says, ‘It’s got me beat, but hey, I might have a cure . ’ He puts two rows of white powder on his desk and tells the aborigine to snort them . The aboriginal does as the doctor asks, and immediately stops jogging up and down and stands dead still . ‘Puck me drunk it worked . Was that cocaine?’ he asks the doctor . ‘No,’ the doctor replies . ‘It’s Persil – guaranteed to stop coloureds from running . ’ ********************************* Engineers Understanding Engineers #1 Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want . " The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway . " ------------------ Understanding Engineers #2 To the optimist, the glass is half-full . To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty . To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be . ------------------ Understanding Engineers #3 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers . The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper . Let's have a word with him . " He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes . That's a group of blind firemen . They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime! . " The group fell silent for a moment, then priest said, "That's so sad . I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight . " The doctor said, "Good idea . I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them . " The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" ------------------ Understanding Engineers #4 What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons . Civil engineers build targets . ------------------ Understanding Engineers #5 The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" ------------------ Understanding Engineers #6 Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body . One said, "It was a mechanical engineer . Just look at all the joints . " Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer . The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections . " The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer . Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" ------------------ Understanding Engineers #7 Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it . Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet . ------------------ Understanding Engineers #8 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess . " He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket . The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week . " The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket . The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want . " Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket . Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want . Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer . I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1369113	2014-03-02 22:48:00	A doctor, a civil engineer and a programmer are discussing whose profession is the oldest. “Surely medicine is the oldest profession,” says the doctor. “God took a rib from Adam and created Eve and if this isn’t medicine I’ll be…” The civil engineer breaks in: “But before that He created the heavens and the earth from chaos. Now that’s civil engineering to me.” The programmer thinks a bit and then says: “And who do you think created chaos?” ------------------- A cop pulls over Werner Heisenberg and says, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg responds, “NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am.” -------------------------- A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale. The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous." "I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said. The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error. "But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."	pctek (84)
1369114	2014-03-03 01:52:00	Enjoy guys! Thanks Billy and Tek! ** Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper . "Gladly," responded the good man . When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column . There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given . " *** A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show . On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it . The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner . After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot . Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" ** An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes . "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich . " ** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold . "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess . " *** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman . "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother . Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them . "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks . *** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine . She stares at him, smitten . With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch in his catlike way and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered, aren't you?"	lordnoddy (3645)
1369115	2014-03-03 04:05:00	Not sure this should be in a "Jokes Thread" but anyway........:D WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY! Our Phones ~ Wireless Cooking ~ Fireless Cars ~ Keyless Tires ~ Tubeless Dress ~ Sleeveless Youth ~ Jobless Leaders ~ Shameless Relationships ~ Meaningless Attitude ~ Careless Wives ~ Fearless Babies ~ Fatherless Feelings ~ Heartless Education ~ Valueless Children ~ Mannerless Everything is becoming LESS but still our hopes are ~ Endless. In fact we are ~ Speechless And Government is ~ CLUELESS!!! And our Politicians are ~ WORTHLESS!!! So there it is. Welcome to the 21st Century! :D	B.M. (505)
1369116	2014-03-03 07:06:00	When less is more, that is more or less it in a nutshell.	R2x1 (4628)
1369117	2014-03-03 07:33:00	A priest and a nun are on their way back from a funeral at a distant cemetery when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold." "OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard." Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket." Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night." "You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."	tutaenui (1724)
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