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Thread ID: 136564	2014-03-16 20:52:00	Monday Laughs..........Some lists, and a joke that will make you cry...............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1370340	2014-03-16 20:52:00	. . ARAPROSDOKIANS .. . (Winston Churchill loved them) These are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and frequently humorous. 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list. 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station. 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques. 12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify: .. .. .. .. .' I put 'DOCTOR." 13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 21. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 26. Where there's a will, there are relatives. Finally: 27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now. ********************************* As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realised that at my age .. .. .. .. I just don't give a rat's arse anymore! .. .. If walking or bike riding was good for your health, all posties would be immortal. .. .. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks lots of water, but is fat as! .. .. A rabbit runs and hops, and only lives about 15 years .. .. .. .. while a tortoise doesn't run (ever), and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you want me to exercise?? I don't think so. .. .. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. ********************************* A Collection of Signs Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. At a Tyre Store "Invite us to your next blowout." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. On a Maternity Room door: "Push Push Push." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. In a Vets' waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises" .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. And the sign at a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." ********************************* Irish Medical Dictionary The Irish have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You are going to die anyway, so live life to the full. Medical Term followed by Irish Definition: -Artery - The study of paintings -Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria -Barium - What doctors do if their patients die -Benign - What you be, after you be eight -Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome -Cat scan - Searching for Kitty -Cauterise - Made eye contact with nice looking wee colleen -Colic - A sheep dog -Coma - A punctuation mark -Dilate - To live long -Enema - Not a friend (ain't that the truth!) -Fester - Quicker than someone else -Fibula - A small lie -Impotent - Distinguished, well known -Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work -Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane -Morbid - A higher offer -Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days -Node - I knew it -Outpatient - A person who has fainted -Post Operative - A letter carrier -Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery -Rectum - Nearly killed him -Secretion - Hiding something -Seizure - Roman Emperor -Tablet - A small table -Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport -Tumour - One plus one more -Urine - Opposite of you're out ********************************* The Secret .. .. .. .. .. .. A man is driving down an isolated road and breaks down near a Monastery. He walks up to the Monastery door, knocks, and when the Monks answer he says, "my car has broken down, could I stay the night please?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even repair his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk." The man is disappointed, but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man again breaks down, and in front of the same Monastery. The monks accept him once more, feed him, and fix his car again. That night he hears again the same strange mesmerising sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply: "We can't tell you because you're not a monk." The man says, "all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The Head Monk replies: "My son, you must first travel to the four corners of the earth, then on your return you must tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you may become a monk." The man sets about his task, and some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the Monastery and asks to speak with the Head Monk. He is ushered into the Head Monk's presence and he says, "I have travelled to the four corners of the earth and have devoted my life to the task demanded of me. I have gained the knowledge for which you asked and can tell you. that there are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The Head Monk replies: "Congratulations my son, you are correct, and you may now take your rightful place among us as a monk .. .. .. . We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, and the Head Monk says, "My son, the source of that sound is behind this door." The man tries the knob, but the door is locked. "May I have the key?" he asks. The monks give him the key, and he opens the door .. Behind the wooden door is a chamber and another door made of stone .. .. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find another chamber and a door made of ruby. He requests another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is yet another chamber and another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, topaz, amethyst, and silver Finally, they arrive at a golden door and the Head Monk hands him a gold key and says, "My Son, this is the key to the last door" . The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and in the magnificent chamber that lies behind that door he is astonished to finally see the source of that strange sound, and it is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight! But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk. . . . . . . . . . . . . . It's no use swearing at me; I'm still hunting for the @#$%! idiot who started this! Cheers Billy 8-{) :devil	Billy T (70)
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