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Thread ID: 136682	2014-03-30 20:17:00	Monday Laughs:....The Gunfighter, Builders, and other animals in the wild...........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1371653	2014-03-30 20:17:00	. . A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot........ 'Could you give me some tips?' he asked. The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' 'Sure will ' The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the cowboy . 'Got any more tips ?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, barrel, hammer, handle 'n all, and it won't hurt near so much with th' grease. ********************************* A young family moved into a house next door to an empty section. One day Bill, Steve and a gang of construction workers turned up to start building a house. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around the site every day so eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even made sure she had her very own hard hat and gloves. At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two dollars in 10 cent coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the Cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this," said the Cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the Cashier. "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said..."I think so. Provided those dickheads at the Supply Yard deliver the f*!king bricks on time, and it doesn't piss down with rain." ********************************* A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name Sir, is Penis van Lesbian.' The agent said, 'Well, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.' 'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is a fine old Dutch name and is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Nope, not ever.' The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years .... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.' 'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is baffled, who would possibly send him $50,000? Then he reads the letter enclosed .... 'Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.' Sincerely, Dick van Dyke ********************************* This will keep you smiling! How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Oh deer! Not venison for dinner again? A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. I used to be a Banker, but then I lost interest. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. The file said I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. I had problems with my iPod so I changed its name to Titanic. It's syncing now. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he reckons he can stop any time he wants to. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. When chemists die, they barium. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. PMS jokes aren't funny; period... Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's a no pop quiz. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? If you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? [A Thesaurus.] I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough. Velcro is just a rip off! ********************************* Very Good Questions about US Society Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front? Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke? Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain their pens to the counters? Why do people leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in their driveways and store useless junk in the garage? Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1371654	2014-03-30 21:03:00	Billy, thanks for those, good laugh to start the day off with. Lurking.	Lurking (218)
1371655	2014-03-30 21:56:00	I wondered where Dick van Dyke got his name. :D	Bobh (5192)
1371656	2014-03-30 22:41:00	Thanks Billy - Here's one I chuckled at the other day. *** A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt. "Reach up there and find out." She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!" "Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more!"	lordnoddy (3645)
1371657	2014-03-31 01:41:00	Liked the builder girl one. Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke? Because fat doesn't make you fat, but sugar is bad for you,	pctek (84)
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